We’re gonna win the election, right Democrats? Like, it’s not a 100% sure thing, but, I mean… it’s pretty much a sure thing.
However, it is conceivable that Trump’s compromised Postal Service could block enough ballots to tip the scales in his favor. It’s not outside the realm of possibility that Trump’s lawyers could push the decision of which votes to count all the way up to his stacked Supreme Court. At that point, our only hope may be for Biden’s lawyers to convince Justice Barrett that Trump is trying to abort the election.
While I’m sure Nancy Pelosi and Chuck Schumer are prepared to issue a strongly worded joint statement condemning coups d’état as being extremely naughty, I’m just not sure that would be quite enough to stop Trump.
No, with the bang of a gavel, Trump could remain president. Maybe he’ll be our last president. It wouldn’t be too far-fetched to think that the Great Experiment could be over. Two-hundred and thirty-one years is a pretty good run.
Once you can kind of make peace with the idea that American democracy is collapsing around us, the only question left is, “What do I do next?”
I think I’ve narrowed the options down to these top three choices:
1. Get a Gun
This is kind of a gimme. Between armed militia members storming state capitals to protest having to wear masks, to that St. Louis couple pointing loaded weapons at peaceful protestors, to the mob of MAGA zealots in Texas surrounding a Biden campaign bus, you know they’re just itching to start slinging some lead. Maybe it would behoove us to… you know… learn anything at all about guns other than that you point the end with the hole at the thing whose insides you’d like to be on the outside.
I’m pretty sure I could undermine all of my deeply held principles against gun ownership if I had to. Part of me has to wonder if you’d even still be more likely to be killed by your own gun if you are living in a despotic hellscape.
Biggest trouble with this one for me: I live in a blue state where it’s notoriously difficult to legally buy a firearm. Talk about karma biting you in the ass.
2. Move to New Zealand
On paper, it’s perfect. They have a strong leader in Prime Minister Jacinda Ardern, who worked to get COVID-19 completely under control. They have lots of jobs they need filled and are open to bringing workers in from other countries. They speak English, so I wouldn’t have to buy a subscription to Rosetta Stone. And perhaps most importantly, they shot the Lord of the Rings movies there. You can even go visit all those cute little hobbit houses.
Plus, it’s a really long flight. That might seem like a negative, but it just means that the spreading fire of authoritarianism would take that much longer to reach you there.
Once you get past the accents and the toilets swirling backwards, you could almost forget that the land of the free and the home of the brave has been overrun by fascists.
3. Buy a Wah-Wah Pedal
Since being cooped up in quarantine, I’ve been playing my guitar again – a lot. But I’ve been missing the sweet sound of my old Cry Baby wah-wah pedal. I had to sell it after college when I was a little short on cash. Anyway, wah-wah pedals are fun to play and incredibly versatile. You can use it on a huge array of songs, from “Stand” by R.E.M. to “Enter Sandman” by Metallica.
It might sound frivolous, but we’ll need bar bands under Trump’s oppressive regime, right? If for no other reason than to remind us of the better times before we were forced to live under the thumb of a brutal tyrant, to distract us from the gnawing certainty that tonight will finally be the night the secret police will come knocking and take us away, to drive away the constant mental refrain that the ones who died were the lucky ones.
And what better way to do that than with a guitar that goes, “wacka, wacka, wacka?”
