With the overload of endless advice about how one should be dealing with the chaos in the world, in one’s brain and at one’s Costco (I don’t understand which line to stand behind – blue or green?!), I do believe I may have stumbled, half-assed, into the greatest approach of them all.
On a walk with my dog the other day, I spotted a rabbit. I realized it was a rabbit and not a rabbit statue, only after I stood there confused for seven minutes.
Real rabbit? Fake rabbit? Mirage of a rabbit brought on by last night’s odd-tasting salmon? My brain was on fire.
I live in a place where rabbits run free. This is a ridiculous statement, but I shall write it because I enjoy the thought of bunnies performing acts of cuteness against their will. “By God, you will munch on that carrot and wrinkle your nose, or there will be hell to pay! Do you hear me? HELL!”
Back to my jaunt…
The rabbit, who I shall call Joseph because it is dignified and becomes him, was frozen in terror. He spotted my dog making a beeline down the suburban road and thought he needed a plan toot sweet.
We were too close for him to make a getaway, although he totally could have. I was in flip-flops and had zero desire to go “wabbit hunting.” Hence, Joseph was in an excellent position to leap off and continue his lovely rabbit day.
Nevertheless, he chose “rabbit statue” as his survival technique for reasons only Joseph understands and totally committed. No joke. Like Nicolas-Cage-Leaving-Las-Vegas committed.
Now, when I say Joseph remained still, I mean he remained COMPLETELY STILL! My dog walked right past him and he was only three feet away. I, myself, could not detect life.
Not a twitch, not a breath. CRAZY!
I kept my eyes on Joseph, and, as we got a little further down the road, he did the equivalent of a human running with his hair on fire and headed for the nearest bush.
His time in the bush was filled with what I can only imagine was deep breathing, and many shots of tequila.
This chance encounter made me think of two things:
1. Bravo, Joseph. Bravo.
2. Joseph is on to something BIG!
So, I did what anyone would do in this situation. I went home and decided to completely change how I approach everything in my life.
There was one crucial thing that Joseph did that ensured his survival and, thus, his lasting happiness:
Joseph pretended he was a statue in the face of danger or uncertainty.
You would never catch Joseph nervously flailing about as he wrestled with an issue or scary situation. Oh no. When Joseph faces a problem, he simply stops moving and pretends to be an inanimate object.
This will be my new go-to move of choice.
Next time I’m forced to deal with a thorny situation, no longer will I search for the right words or awkwardly squirm while I hold down the contents of my lunch. That’s for suckers. From now on, I’ll just stand silent and still like a mannequin, watch folks grow weary and perplexed and then sadly walk away.
At the very least, pretending to be a marble monument gives others pause and makes them question your mental fitness. At the end of the day, isn’t that what all of us really want… to be treated like we’re incapacitated and unable to function on our own?
I don’t know about you, but life is hard enough, especially these days. The less people expect from me, the better.
So far, the frightened frozen rabbit technique is working like a charm. I must warn you, however; this isn’t for everyone. You might be ridiculed and possibly hospitalized against your will.
But I can guarantee you one thing: you will NOT have to do whatever you were trying to avoid.
Thinking about…
Tackling life head-on?
Having a tough conversation?
Working on a sticky issue at work?
Might I instead offer Frightened Frozen Rabbit?
Just stand where you are – completely still – and don’t say a word for as long as you can. Or until everyone leaves – or cries out of frustration.
There.
Phew.
Now go get a snack.
You’ve earned it!
Awesome.
