Dear Disillusioned Diehard,
You’re no doubt feeling uneasy, as reports of the unfortunate acts perpetrated by your alma mater’s athletic department continue to surface. Your rational side is saying you can’t possibly keep supporting a school where abuse, corruption, and outright criminality run rampant. At the same time, your emotional side is playing a highlight reel of rad dunks and concussion-inducing tackles.
In situations like this, it’s easy to let emotions rule the day. And that’s exactly what you should do! What kind of person would you be if you turned your back on your school when it needs you most? You have so many reasons to stay loyal.
For one thing, your basketball team is really good this year. Like, Final Four good. Teams like this only come around once in generation, so who cares if your program was recently named in an FBI probe. Have you seen that report? Lots of teams are named – yours was just trying to keep pace with the competition.
Plus, you bleed your school’s colors. You could have purchased your degree from any number of educational institutions, but you chose this one. And everyone knows the bond between retailers and consumers like you is unbreakable, even when you find out university funds were used to solicit prostitutes for players. You should feel good knowing the hundreds of thousands of dollars you paid in tuition were used to make people happy!
You need to focus on what’s really important – your school is under attack by corrupt outsiders who have agendas. Your hated rivals want your recruits, and there’s nothing they won’t do to get them. Why, they’re even trying to vilify your beloved football coach, and he did nothing wrong! On the contrary, when he found out those children were being sexually assaulted, he went so far as to notify his boss. What more can you ask of someone than the bare minimum?
Has that little, nagging voice in your head shut up yet? If not, consider these facts. First, shifting your allegiance to another school would make you a bandwagon fan, and bandwagon fans are the scum of the earth. Second, your school has done a lot of good for a lot of people. Sure, bribing prosecutors to take it easy on star athletes is bad, but decades of teaching, research, and service balances that out. Third, other schools have done worse, and they still have fans. What are you, an elitist?
I’m not saying it will be easy to stay faithful. It won’t. That old, broken-in college T-shirt will feel a little less comfy for a while, but you can’t waiver. It’s your duty – nay, your privilege – to wear it with pride, no matter how many strangers give you disgusted looks. They’re just haters, and it’ll blow over if you’re patient. After all, we’re due for another major college athletics scandal any day now.
Warmest regards,
Satan