Baseball season is my favorite time of year: getting a farmer’s tan, staying to watch the 15th inning because you are a sadist, and ALCOHOL. But who really wants to spend $9 for a drink that tastes like the Chicago River on St. Patrick’s Day when you could just bring one from home and sneak it into the park? You just have to be smart about it. Otherwise, you will witness one of the saddest sights in the whole wide world – security tossing that contraband beer in the trash.
Save yourself that pain and follow these dos and don’ts of sneaking alcohol into a ballpark:
- DO train that squirrel that’s been living in your recycling bin for a month to bring your beer into the park for you. It knows your scent by now because you’re the only person in your building that still drinks Old Style.
- DON’T just throw it in your girlfriend’s purse. That’s the easiest way to get caught, you dum dum! Plus, if the security guard pops the top, it’ll explode in his face. That will ruin both of your days.
- DO hide with your beer inside the keg that’s going to the ballpark bar. An added bonus is free beer during your ride to the park!
- DON’T stuff the beer in the T-shirt cannon. You’ll easily forget about it being there. And once the mascot sets off the shirt cannon during the game, the beer will explode, and the shirts will smell like beer. You will have wasted a beer, and the ballpark will be full of minors wearing T-shirts that smell like cheap beer.
- DO lie about how your grandfather’s ashes are in that closed PBR can. Also, add how it was his dying wish for his ashes to be kept in a beer can to be opened on Opening Day.
- DON’T throw it past the security guards like a football. You’re not Tom Brady. Plus, it will deflate, too.
- DO explain to the security guard that you are participating in a game of spin the bottle during the seventh-inning stretch, and your full bottle of Bud’s spinning velocity is amazing.
- DON’T DO ANY MAGIC TRICKS AT ALL. They are dumb and are sure to traumatize certain people. *cough cough me cough cough*
- DO stuff it in your butt. Your girlfriend was very nice to agree to anal sex last night, and now you have to sneak her bottle of Miller Lite up your butt so she can have it during the game. Relationships are all about compromise.
- DON’T give it to the security guard as a gift. Sharing is not fun.
