As the new patriarch of this family, it is now MY TURN to plan the annual family vacation. When I married your mother, I promised her I would give her the best vacation money could buy. So, I knew the time would come when I needed to plan the breakthrough El Salvador Family Trip.
I have thought long and hard about what we need to do. And we are about to become extremely hardcore. Family bonding time is now required. That means you, Jenny. No more separate eating at dinnertime; we eat as a family unit or not at all. This family will require your weekends, obligatory Friday board-game nights playing Settlers of Catan, and Jenny, we will need you here for a family photo for the holidays. Jenny, photoshopping you into the family holiday card is NO LONGER ACCEPTABLE.
In order to compete with your aunt Linda who has been posting photos nonstop from her family trip to Aruba, we need to climb Santa Ana Volcano in El Salvador.
Expect to hike long hours. Expect a twelve-hour car ride to get to the volcano Santa Ana. And expect that we will need all hands on deck when it comes to the shared Spotify playlist that we will all listen to on the ride. No headphones allowed.
The last family trip had too much relaxation. Some people stayed in the resort all day and never made it to the beach. Only exceptional activity will constitute a passing vacation. We need to be fully present in the geography and culture of El Salvador. No more coasting unless it’s by the actual El Salvadorian coastline.
I already found the best guided hiking tour on Airbnb Experiences. Look at the reviews. Bob gave it three stars. Ana gave it five. That’s eight stars out of five. I think I know what I’m talking about.
If you are sure you want to come on this family vacation, sign this petition to pledge yourself to this travel schedule. This includes a family review at the end, so we only select the best photos to compete with Aunt Linda’s Instagram stories.
Anyone who has not replied by 5 p.m. ET today will be evicted from the house. We will provide two days’ worth of ramen packages as severance and the phone number of the nearest homeless shelter to assist in placement. Any attempts to negotiate will result in one less ramen package per inquiry.
Whatever decision you make, thank you for your efforts to make this family unit successful.