I loved the pandemic. I am using the past tense because the President has ended the pandemic. I spent the entire pandemic nude.
The day we were sent home because working at the office was no longer safe, I took off my clothes and did not put a stitch of clothing on for two-plus years. Don’t get me wrong. This nude thing is not for everybody. You don’t want to go to your grocery store and see the stocker’s buns as he bends over to refill the shelves.
But for a lucky few, the free-skin lovers this is better than sliced bread.
My spouse thought I had spilled something on my clothes when she came home and saw me nude. After I had politely made my point, she moved all her belongings into the spare bedroom.
The next morning, she avoided me when I sauntered into the kitchen. She left with the bagel morsel in her mouth, retreated to her new bedroom, and locked the door. She gave me the silent treatment for two days straight. I figured she would get over it and we would be able to be a couple again. I was very wrong.
She purchased a mini fridge and a hot plate and started taking her meals in her new bedroom. She figured that once she starved me out of the refrigerator, I would return to my senses and, more importantly, clothes.
But this was the pandemic I started shopping online. The groceries were delivered to my doorstep. When she came home from work, there I was eating chicken cordon bleu, in the nude, of course.
After a few days of staying home, I got cabin fever and wanted to go see what was out there in a pandemic world. I drove to the full-service gas station, handed my card over to the attendant, and said “Fill her up.” Then I drove around the Los Angeles freeways all morning in the nude. The streets were deserted. People were staying home, I guess. In the nude, maybe?
I did get hungry around noon so I pulled off the freeway and went to Taco Bell. I placed my order and then went to the pick-up window. The cashier thought I was one of those shirtless guys you see around LA on a hot day.
I picked up my meds from CVS at the drive-through window. I even waved to the pharmacist. She waved back.
After that day of traveling around the city nude and not being caught I became bolder. I ordered coffee from the local Starbucks on their app. I drove to the store, parked outside the door, strode in, picked up my coffee, and left. Not a soul noticed the streaker in their midst. They were too busy, checking their phones.
As for vaccines, I didn’t get any of the shots. Not that I am an anti-vaxxer, but I figured since I was nude and staying at home there was no need to be jabbed. After all, you get Covid from “other people” not from the TV.
I did see my doctor for my annual check-up. We used Tele-Doc and when we connected online, she noticed I was without clothes. All she said was “Ah! I see. You came prepared.” That’s the type of doctor you need.
The worst thing in the world, next to Covid, of course, is Zoom. For two hours a week, I had to sit through meetings with six co-workers. It was horrible. They used the time as a “show and tell.” They paraded through their homes. We got to know their pets and what they were cooking for dinner.
I had nothing to show. I did not want to be seen. So I stuck a piece of Scotch tape across the camera lens on my laptop. All my colleagues would see was a very blurry me. My manager told me to buy a new laptop with a working camera. I didn’t. Why bother? Once I even stepped away for a whole half hour to make a pot of soup. No one noticed.
Then, all of a sudden last month, the President said the pandemic had ended. We were all ordered back to the office the next day.
I may be the only one, but I am hoping for another pandemic.
