Hip hip… HURRAH!
Hip hip… HURRAH!
Hip hip… HURRAH!
Gentlemen… before Bradford leads us in singing “Cheers for Old Nassau” in four-part harmony in the barbershop style, I have a few words.
Fuck yes!
Please excuse my language, but I am uproariously delighted at today’s result. Hurrah and fuck yes indeed! You needn’t attend the premier liberal arts institution in the world like you all do to understand that we made history today: the first Ivy League team to advance to the Sweet 16! Yes, Cornell and Penn made it also, but they aren’t real Ivy’s, amiright lads?! Hurrah!
We were under-sized and under-skilled this weekend. But who needs muscle and talent when you have grit, tenacity, and the unmatched confidence that, win or lose, you will probably have a job waiting for you at McKinsey? Your eyes brimmed with that confidence tonight and I nearly wept several times thinking about the stories you’ll tell your clients over dinner in Manhattan.
You played loose and free today, like men that know that there is more to life than basketball: things like the snug warmth of a beer jacket, a crisp sunrise over Cape Cod, or the smug satisfaction of a lifetime appointment to the Supreme Court. Your opponents had too much to lose, so they did. To us, can you believe it?! Hurrah!
Remember to empathize with them (if you can stretch your minds in that way), for they know not life beyond basketball. At best, maybe your Mizzou or Arizona opponents will work for you one day as a low-level analyst at your fund, or at the Enterprise rent-a-car where you’ll insist on the complimentary upgrade to a luxury vehicle, which they will be sure to provide for you at no cost when you remind them of what happened on this day. You, my friends, are Winners! And after winning those two games here in Sacramento, you are Winners in sports as well. Compound winning! Rivaled only by the power of the compounding capital gains in your trust funds.
It is a privilege to Coach you men, and that’s saying a lot, because as a Princeton Man myself, I know a lot about privilege. Rest assured that, unlike whatever you did in the basements of the Eating Clubs last weekend, history will NOT forget what you accomplished tonight. Your victory built character, expanded your dreams, and forged a memorable story your constituents will love during your Senate campaign. And if you don’t get elected, there’s always McKinsey. Or Goldman Sachs, I guess.
So let us all throw our arms around each other’s necks as Bradford establishes the key we’ll be singing in tonight. The Sweet 16 awaits! When you’re in the depths of the library this week, set aside your readings and the comely young coeds who will suddenly pay attention to you at least once a day and think on your opponents with mercy. They know not the confidence of a Princeton Man, a man who has already won. And with that freedom in mind, let’s win another one anyway for Old Nassau! And for your fathers, who finally consider you worthy of their love.
Hurrah!
