In today’s uncertain world, the stresses of daily life are oftentimes hard to manage. And now, in the face of a new, three-pronged viral epidemic, it is becoming all the more difficult to maintain a stable balance between physical and mental health. Especially when one still has to surmount their own unresolved emotional baggage.
And I’m sorry folks… but this so-called ‘tripledemic’ could not have come at a worse time during the ongoing struggle to overcome my debilitating Oedipus Complex.
Seriously. I mean, just how the heck am I supposed to focus on the flu, Covid, and RSV, when, almost every day, I am literally consumed by the sinful desire to kill my weak, impotent father and to then make passionate, forbidden love to my gorgeous smokeshow of a mother?
Think about it… do you really expect me to care about lame, boring things like “quarantines” or “mask mandates” when, every day, I am feverish with the need to commit delicious murder-incest?
I’m only human, folks! And I can either focus on this new variant, or I can seek extensive counseling for my violent, patricidal urges…
But I can’t do both.
Even more importantly, this viral onslaught could not have come at a worse time of the year for me. The holiday season? Are you kidding me! The holidays are stressful enough as it is, without having three different viruses to worry about. What with the cold weather, the shorter days, the lack of sunlight, and, of course, my unslakable desire to murder my father and to then have sex with my absolute minx of a mommy… the holidays are stressful for everyone!
Take, for example, the winter of 2019, when I went home for the holidays. Back then, we didn’t have any viruses to worry about, but I still found the whole experience to be an absolute nightmare! For instance, once, during our Christmas dinner, my father asked me to pass him the mashed potatoes. But, instead of doing that, I just stared at him and said: “Your body is weak, old man. Your flesh is withered and your mind is dull. And soon you will die by my hand for stealing the love of a woman who I, and I alone, deserve. And then I will replace you and I shall lay with your wife the way that the hero Oedipus laid with his mother, Jocasta.”
And then my father said “… what?”
And then I replied: “Enough whining, old man. Look at yourself… you, who used to be a warrior, have now been reduced to the dribbling, blathering mass I now witness before me. Do you not see it, father? Your limbs are frail and your infirm mind has turned your once-potent blood into vinegar. And yet, you still dare to share a matrimonial bed with my faultless, perfect mother? How is this fair, father? How is this fair? You, who have foolishly profaned the immutable laws of beauty with your sickening ineptitude… you do not expect a reprisal for your actions? No. The crime merits punishment. And the punishment is death.”
I mean, seriously folks. I said all that stuff without there being any big viruses out there. Can you even imagine what’s going to happen this year?
Talk about having too much on your plate!
Anyways, I just wanted to get all of this stuff off my chest before the world shuts down once again. Because, now, more than ever, it is so, so important to acknowledge the threats to one’s own mental safety. Especially in the face of such a new and dangerous triple epidemic.
So stay safe out there, everyone–both physically and mentally. And, if you’re reading this, dad… I’ll see you at Christmas!
