You have found yourself once again battling a gruesome headache due to a longstanding sinus infection. Though your nasal passages may be more raw than a gas station ceviche, you’ve decided to go about business as usual, and by this I mean completely ignore its existence. At times, this practice can be a challenge.
I must state that I am not a medical professional and do not, in earnest, condone this behavior. But if your personal health is something you view with the same subjectivity as I do, here are some helpful tips I’ve gathered in the field:
1. When one beer has your head throbbing like it did in college after six tequila shots, blame your age. Comment matter-of-factly on how your early thirties have shown to be a revisitation on imbibing alcohol as a precarious activity. It cannot be sinus-related. Surely, it is your lousy old body, and this happens to everyone.
2. Frequent nosebleeds may come, but there are some upsides. For starters, the sympathy of those around you. Unless there is cocaine involved, nobody is criticized for a bloody nose. Second, you can pretend you are a professional boxer, or perhaps a lecherous Japanese cartoon character. The blood is also a welcome reminder that you are indeed alive.
3. When the headache makes sleeping almost torturous, buy a humidifier. This opens avenues of complaint in bounty. Either the humidifier works and you become a zealot for the product, preaching its divine powers to everyone you know. Or, it doesn’t work, and you become a full-blown conspiracy theorist. Your newfound self-imposed identity is a neat distraction from your suffering.
4. One can’t help feeling audacious and cinematic with a handful of ibuprofen. Everyone knows that pain medication addiction is a habit of cool socialites with interesting personalities. Congratulations, you have ascended to their ranks.
5. Since actually prescribed antibiotics would be a chore to procure (not to mention a direct acknowledgement that your sinus infection is quite serious), only stick to what is on the shelves at your local Walgreens. Explore the different creams, sprays, and neti pots available for easy takeaway. These frequent visits may provide the inadvertent bonus of remembering when important holidays are approaching.
6. Account the never-ending pain to some personal sacrifice, made to level the karmic playing field. Your life is optimal in plenty of ways. A sinus infection is only fair.
7. If you must publicly announce your condition, do so in an attempt to garner pity from loved ones. No, you are not annoyed to be at your sister’s third gender reveal party – it’s your sinuses!
8. An easy target is the circulation of air in your house/apartment. You do not need to prove to anyone that you know a thing or two about air circulation. Luckily, nobody questions each other’s knowledge on this subject. Say that your searing headaches are due to the discombobulation of air, traversing through opposite currents in distorted patterns, or some similar-sounding nonsense.
9. When sidelined from a conversation with splitting pains above the eyebrow, use the excuse of literally anything else going on in your life. It’s not a debilitating medical condition – it’s those passive-aggressive emails from your boss. Your unfairly-priced electric bill. Your distaste for the chunky sneaker renaissance. Your hairline. No matter how insignificant, all gripes hold a candle to your so-called sinus infection. This is because, like climate change to a Republican, its existence is inconsequential at best.
