This is the leaked final tribal council speech of one the final two contestants on the upcoming season of Survivor, premiering September 22, 2021. On Survivor, the final contestants are given an opportunity to win a $1 million dollar prize by persuading a jury of their castmates that they deserve to win.
First, I want to say how grateful I am to be here. I know I might not be this jury’s favorite person, but I wouldn’t be here without you, or my ability to outwit you.
In terms of camp life, I know what some of you are thinking. Oh, Sheila didn’t help set up the shelter, never once made a fire, never once caught a fish – or cooked a pot of rice – and ate twice the portions of food as everyone else. On those counts I am guilty. On the other hand, with all my additional energy, I was able to win several immunity challenges, which is why I’m still in the game, and you’re not.
I also want to address some of my more controversial gameplay. Brandon, I know I swore on my mother’s life that I would never vote against you. And so when I did vote you out, you felt betrayed and questioned my integrity. But what you don’t know is that I have long wished my mother dead. So I was actually being completely honest. And also I’m still here, and you’re not.
Angelina, we were like sisters on the island. I still think of you as my sister. And just like the time I put laxatives in my actual sister’s Diet Pepsi so I could be alone with her boyfriend, yes, I did feed you poison berries so that you couldn’t go to the Outback Steakhouse reward. And while I am deeply sorry that we enjoyed several Outback steaks while you stayed at camp with explosive diarrhea, I want the jury to keep in mind that we are all PLAYING A GAME. And when it comes down to it, I’m the one still here, so it was brilliant gameplay.
I also want to highlight one of my more subtle game moves. Brian, I was the one who stole one of the producers’ phones to make that phone call to Jeff Probst telling him that your six-year-old son was dead. And I am sorry for the trauma that I caused in the time it took you to get to the funeral, only to find that your son was fine and that you were no longer eligible to win a million dollars. But now that you know it was me, I want you – and the rest of the jury – to appreciate how much strategy and cunning I had in my game.
Now, at this point, it’s only appropriate that I should also address those who couldn’t be here tonight, because they were consumed by wolves. And I am so, so sorry for that – and for everyone else’s injuries. In retrospect, spreading fish oil on their blankets to attract that vicious hoard was a bit extreme. But, in fairness, it did take out the dominant alliance, and they were about to vote me out.
With regards to my co-finalist, Breanna: if we were just voting on the most helpful person at camp, the person who provided people with the most emotional support, the person who found an anti-diarrheal plant to help Angelina, the person who comforted Brian when he thought his son was dead, or the person who attempted to reassemble the limbs of our fallen tribemates while medical was on the way – then yes, I guess you should vote for her.
But that’s not what this game is about. When it comes down to outwit, outlast, and outplay, it’s clear that there’s only one person here who made the *big moves* that drove this game. And if you award me the million dollars, I promise that I will donate at least ten of those dollars to the Save the Wolves Foundation.
I respectfully ask that you vote for me tonight. Thank you.