Do you feel feverish or hot? (Y/N)
Are you sitting next to a fireplace wearing a sweater, flannel pants, a scarf, wool socks, and simultaneously roasting chestnuts? (Y/N)
Do you have the chills? (Y/N)
Are you watching Kevin give that Central Park pidgeon lady her turtle dove and just getting, like, all the goosebumps? (Y/N)
Do you have a sore throat? (Y/N)
Have you spent the last three weeks belting out Mariah Carey’s “All I Want for Christmas Is You” at the top of your lungs? (Y/N)
Are you feeling winded or having shortness of breath? (Y/N)
Were you just twirling around your living room, listening to The Nutcracker, trying to do the plies from “The Dance of the Sugar Plum Fairy?” (Y/N)
Have you experienced any nausea or vomiting? (Y/N)
Have you recently consumed, or even just looked at, eggnog? (Y/N)
Do you have muscle aches or soreness? (Y/N)
Didn’t you shovel your elderly neighbor’s driveway after that blizzard two days ago because, as you told your friend Jenna, “it just felt like the Christmas-y thing to do?” (Y/N)
Are you experiencing fatigue? (Y/N)
Are you exhausted from having your high-paying New York City job send you to shut down a small-town factory, then getting stuck there due to weather and/or car issues, then falling in love with the factory owner’s son, who helps you see the virtues of gratitude and kindness, then deciding not to shut down the factory because you’ve found the True Meaning of Christmas, and then the two of you, who met three days ago, are already married? (Y/N)
Have you been experiencing a cough? (Y/N)
You know what? Honestly, it doesn’t matter; you probably have COVID.
