I love my eight-year-old son Jeremy. He has brought nothing but joy to my life. But he and his friends absolutely suck ass on the basketball court, and now I am embarrassed to be his father.
Their entire team is dogshit. I don’t understand why these third-graders were chosen to represent Hope Montessori when all of them are under five feet tall and can’t dribble. They just run around with the ball like it’s some gift on Christmas morning, but it’s not – it’s Saturday afternoon, and I could be anywhere else.
I typically wait in the parking lot after games so no one knows I root for my son. I wouldn’t be caught dead holding his team’s pennant after the other school absolutely hands my son’s ass back to him. When we’re at home, though, and I’m not living out my unrealized dreams through my son, I love Jeremy with all my heart. We read bedtime stories together every night.
But the thing I hate most about Jeremy is that he fucking high-fives the other team after they score. I’ve been trying to get the coach to bench my worthless son. But she always says, “Everyone needs to play an equal amount of time, and besides, that’s our son you’re talking about.” I remind the coach that as long as we’re on the court, she’s not my wife and he’s not our son.
For one game’s halftime, I joined Jeremy’s team in the locker room. In an inspiring speech, I reminded them that ice cream after a game is for winners, and that they deserve trash, and trash alone, for how they’ve been playing. Then I went down the line and told each kid why I was specifically disappointed in them.
I had made the speech of the century. I was confident they’d go out there and have an amazing second half.
They scored zero points in the second half and lost in a blowout, 8-0.
I still have hope that Jeremy and his friends will come around one day and become great basketball players. One day I want Jeremy to be 6’6” and dunk on someone, breaking that person’s collarbone (this is something I never got to do as a 5’7” man who manages a Bad Axe Throwing gym). And I’ll be there, proudly waving his team’s pennant from the stands, finally yelling that the other team fucking sucks ass.
