The gorgeous mannequin from sportswear will accompany me to Marcus’s customer service desk and stoically bear witness to my Disney letterman jacket purchases. Knowing Marcus, he will proffer some ignorant rebuke like, “Again, I’m sorry, but the mannequins are not for sale,” and I will have his co-manager, Donna, deal with this insolence.
When I ask Donna to ring up every item in the seasonal decor section, Marcus will spew some nonsense about “limits” on Kohl’s Cash purchases. He’ll try to claim that “management” won’t let me buy out a store’s inventory and put it out of business. Something like, “Kohl’s Cash doesn’t work that way.”
He’ll start to quote from the terms and conditions on the back of his measly stock of Kohl’s Cash, and I will begin distributing my war chest to the other patrons in line.
As my minions of doom file through the registers, Marcus will stop reading. He’ll know that I’ll continue until every customer pays in kold-hard kash and his store is bankrupt. He will then lock eyes with me, desperation in his soul, as I call out to my new subjects: “The only limits on Kohl’s Cash are those imposed by an inferior imagination!”
When Marcus calls security, Donna will give them the agreed-upon sum of blood-red K-Cash and their new uniforms: Disney letterman jackets and tactical cargo pants from the big and tall section.
Marcus will reflexively grab his phone as if it might offer an escape from the airtight trap closing around him. Donna, as planned, will turn to me and utter the classic line from Gladiator: “People should know when they’re conquered.”
As I’ve always dreamed, I’ll respond with, “Would you, Donna? Would I?”
I will then stand like the Vitruvian Man as Kohl’s clerks scan me with handhelds. They will make buzzing noises with their mouths, which will crescendo and shift to wild ululation at scan completion. Once finished, they will holster their handhelds and lift voices high with my message: “Whose coupons are valid now, Marcus?!”
Only after savoring my victory will I start to feel a little for Marcus. I’ll remember that he’s not a bad man. He simply does his job.
But then I’ll remind myself that Pol Pot’s party planner also did their job. At some point, you have to stop and stand up for your principles. Especially if you work for a company that forgets to exclude Disney products from men’s sportswear coupons and then asks its managers to stand by these unwritten rules.
Marcus chose wrong and stuck by it. He planted his flag on the bad side of honor, history, and the never-ending battle between me and the Kohl’s corporation. He’ll have to pay for that decision, and I’ll be there to make sure he pays in Kohl’s Cash.
