As you might have heard, Wayfair is now selling children. As a barren woman who also happens to be infertile, I decided to pursue adoption. Now allow me to tell you my captivating adoption story and also complain about the horrendous things going on at Wayfair.
I purchased two adorable kiddos from the Wayfair website and eagerly awaited their arrival. They were shipped rather quickly; I hadn’t even had time to paint their bedrooms. I was actually surprised they were sending a fully assembled cabinet because most businesses don’t do that anymore. It was a bit disappointing, seeing as how one of my favorite pastimes is devoting an entire day to assembling cheaply made furniture with missing parts.
Little Charlotte and little Oliver are simply amazing. Months after I adopted them, they remain slight and quiet; no one even notices them at brunch. I couldn’t ask for better children. The issue I’m having, however, is with the cabinet they were shipped in.
I expressly requested a mahogany cabinet, but they gave me cherry. What kind of sick individual does this? How can they put innocent children in cherry? My entire family is devastated and I don’t think any of us will recover from the ordeal. I contacted Wayfair to inquire about an exchange or refund, and the person on the phone said they had no record of my order and denied that they are an adoption agency. I am absolutely disgusted by Wayfair’s customer service. If you can’t give me a refund, at least throw in another kid or something!
In these uncertain economic times, it’s important now more than ever that we support big corporations. I am begging you to seek out other furniture dealers for your adoption needs because Wayfair really missed the mark with its choice of cabinet color. I heard Target is now throwing in a kid for every bulk toilet paper purchase of over fifty rolls. Walmart has also gotten in on the action with a special incentive program: for every thirty children sold, an employee gets entered into a lottery where they have the chance to win either a sick day or a $0.15 raise. Unfortunately, Overstock is experiencing an understock of live humans at the moment, but they do still have fresh organs available. Who couldn’t use an extra liver, just in case?
Once again, I am calling on everyone to take a stand against Wayfair for committing this heinous decorative atrocity. It would pain me to see anyone make the same mistake I did. Do not put your trust in Wayfair to ship the new additions to your family in a luxurious mahogany cabinet, because you’re only going to be disappointed.
