Now
Stocked up on face masks and toilet paper. Bring it on, corona!
1918
I wiped myself with the rug we used to cover Old Man Tillus before he was hauled away in the sick wagon. I could have gone with Aunt Millie’s blouse, but the rest of the family has been wiping with it all week.
Now
Huge news! I took hydroxychloroquine like the president said. Hallucinating and dumping my brains out but other than that feeling great. Good thing I bought so much toilet paper!
1918
I was coughing terribly so Mother gave me an enema. It was either that or a shot of whiskey, and that would not have been Christian, especially administered anally.
Now
FaceTime sucks for dating. I tried to show this chick from Tinder my mom’s cat but I totally showed her the bong next to my unmade bed.
1918
Pleasured myself to a sketch of Mary Pickford I drew the other day. I’ve been reduced to my amateur rendering now that the movie houses have closed. No one lights up the silver screen like Mary. Her bob is utterly enthralling.
Now
Mom had a virtual work meeting today and couldn’t figure out how to set up her computer. I was like, “OK Zoomer.”
1918
The mice in the attic showed Aunt Millie and me how to play a game of marbles called ringer.
Now
This whole thing is a hoax. Real men live forever.
1918
They really are gouging us on the price of soap. A single cake of ivory costs 37¢ at Henderson’s General Store.
Now
These family group texts are giving me a headache. Gosh, they all need to up their Xanax scripts.
1918
I was grateful to receive a telegram today informing me of Grandpa Arthur’s death. At least he lived a full life. Forty-one years. No regrets.
Now
What’s the deal with this tiger show everyone’s watching?
1918
Ringer is such a delight! I won Millie’s shooter. However, I fear I won’t be strong enough to play much longer. Mom says I’ve started to turn blue for lack of oxygen. She administered another enema. This bug is the pessimal pits.
Now
Let me tell you why it happened in China. They have these wet markets filled with livestock where they eat raw bats and snakes.
1918
Old Man Tillus’ widow, Bertha, says the influenza has been spread by foreigners, Jews, jazz music, dancing and German submarines. I should have known the Krauts were behind this.
Now
Ugh! Gelson’s was all out of gluten-free bread and avocados, and InstaCart is crap if you’re macrobiotic. Guess I’m just gonna self-quarantine and STARVE.
1918
Mother could not make us supper so we roasted our dog Remmington. It sated me. I guess I’ll live until Tuesday. Too bad Remmington can’t say the same.
Now
The Grubhub guy delivering our pad Thai had a cough. Grossed out forever. Totally switching to Caviar. On the bright side, I got almost 8,000 steps in staring at my phone and anxiously pacing between the bedroom and living room from 9 p.m. to 2 a.m.
1918
I was conscripted into the Army today and forced to undergo rigorous training. By day’s end, four of my platoon had died on the battlefield. We march to Flanders tomorrow.
Now
Did a hardcore virtual workout with my trainer after full day of WFH (Fortnite). Got my full 10,000 steps in. Bam!
1918
I find myself attempting to retain my earthly presence, if only to see Aunt Millie eat her words. That kook claims women will one day earn the right to vote and wear zippers on their dresses! She sure is queer. If only Tolstoy were alive to document this calamity…
Now
I’m so bored I guess I’ll start reading War and Peace. Not!
1918
Pardon the drops of blood that have marred this page. I’m afraid I’ve sprung a leak from my eyes and ears. And when the sister from the Red Cross saw that my feet had turned black, she crossed herself.
Now
Heading back to Liberty U. tomorrow. You’re not going to stop me from high-fiving my buds. My faith is stronger than any virus.
1918
Mother writes that back home they’ve turned streetcars into hearses. We’ve plum run out of coffins.
