Dear Walmart shoppers,
Because of the COVID-19 pandemic, we are experiencing supply shortages of some common household items. Rest assured, we are working diligently to keep our shelves stocked. During this difficult time, however, we ask that you buy only the items you absolutely need, and that you buy only the amount that you would under normal circumstances.
There is one exception: the $5 DVDs in the value bin. Get them now because they’re going fast. Well, not yet. But they will be once people think they are and storm the bins looking for the classics they vaguely remember from TBS’s “Movies for Guys Who Like Movies” series. You don’t want to be sheltering in place without at least three copies each of Steven Seagal’s Out for Justice and Sylvester Stallone’s Over the Top.
And you better get them, along with several copies of Ernest Goes to Jail and Chuck Norris’s Top Dog, before everyone else does. I heard a rumor that people who are currently reading this email are going out and buying every single DVD in their local store’s bin. It’s amazing because we only sold three value-bin DVDs nationally in 2019, but I’d like to remind you that this is the worst pandemic since the 1918 Spanish Flu. And you don’t want to be the only one not stocked up on something you don’t even need.
You better act fast, though, because we only have 12,000 copies of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II: The Secret of the Ooze left. Yes, that’s the one where Vanilla Ice performs his amazing “Ninja Rap” song.
If you’re like most people in 2020, you don’t have a DVD player anymore. No problem. We have top-notch DVD players ranging in price from $3.99 to $11.99. The good news is that we haven’t sold one since 2014, so we’re fully stocked. The bad news is that, because of this email, we’re anticipating a severe shortage during the pandemic. I don’t think they make them anymore, so I urge you to buy no more than three, unless, of course, you want more than that.
With the exception of our tens of thousands of frightened associates, Walmart is grateful for the opportunity to facilitate your panic buying for the indefinite future.
Sincerely,
Doug McMillon
President and CEO, Walmart Inc.
P.S. We’re currently preparing for uncharacteristically high sales of Bill O’Reilly’s 2016 book Killing Lincoln. Just something to think about.
