Dear Community,
Despite concerns about the coronavirus pandemic, we have decided to hold our annual Arkadelphia Writing Conference this week. We have made this decision in consultation with public health authorities and feel confident that it is possible to move forward with minimal risk if everyone follows the below protocols in their interactions with other conference-goers:
- When engaging in greetings and salutations of any kind at the conference, please refrain from handshakes or hugging. We encourage you to utilize creative alternatives like fist bumps, hip bumps, and literal elbow rubbing.
- When engaging in sexual relations with someone at the conference, avoid the missionary position. The CDC and WHO highly recommend doggy style. As such, we are officially embracing this as our first-ever doggy style-ONLY conference.
- Avoid any emotional attachment to your sex partner(s), which might lead to more dangerous activities such as kissing/hand-holding.
- As an alternative to sexual intercourse, health authorities recommend wrist jobs in place of hand jobs, and elbowings and/or toeings in place of fingerings. Be careful to avoid genital contact with your hands, mouth, or eyes.
We understand that this may be a lot to ask, as many of our conference-goers look forward to the one-night stands and inevitable culminations of longtime attractions to their peers/colleagues that so characterize our conference every year. As a token of our appreciation, we will be providing all attendees with a special tote bag full of hand sanitizer that can also double as a personal (and spermicidal) lubricant.
Please let us know if you have any concerns or questions. Remember that these rules are in place to protect you and others from COVID-19/coronavirus. These rules, unfortunately, will not protect you from hooking up with a weirdo.
Sincerely and cleanly,
The Arkadelphia Writing Conference Directorial Board
