Ho, ho, ho, everyone! It’s Christmastime and Santa is bringing us all a brand-new primary debate because we have all been awful this year. The good news is we are down to just seven candidates who will be on the stage, though this is bad news for the other candidates who aren’t Michael Bloomberg and desperately need visibility to keep their campaigns going. But hey, even visibility wasn’t enough to save Kamala Harris’ campaign, so let’s default to nothing really matters in the end.
With that in mind, we might as well enable these nihilistic tendencies by getting wrecked on eggnog. Below are the power hour rankings for the December Democratic primary debate. These rankings are not based on my personal preferences, but the relative strength of each candidate’s campaign based on the news I have consumed while decking the halls.
And of course, each candidate has their own drinking game rule so we can be as merry as St. Nick even as we watch Trump try to flush the Constitution down the toilet (it takes 10-15 flushes!)
1. Joe Biden
Old Uncle Joe is back on top! Biden has enjoyed a relatively calm stretch of the campaign. The left wing of the party has found a new target to go after (more below) and aside from challenging voters to a push-up competition or the odd malarkey, he has not made any glaringly awful gaffes lately. He also released a pretty great ad against Trump, even if the ad does nothing to really highlight any positive aspects of Biden aside from “not Trump.”
It’s not a lot, but one of the benefits of having the name recognition and built-in goodwill is that all you really need to do is weather the storm. And right now Biden is weathering like a champ. He still tops most polls and if he can continue to not make a complete fool of himself he will be in a good position to start winning primaries next year.
Drinking Rule: Take a drink every time Biden says “C’mon, man!” and pray your liver is up to the task.
2. Bernie Sanders
In all honesty not much has changed for Sanders’ campaign, but with the field still pretty crowded that counts as good news. His national polling is holding steady and he has gained some ground in Iowa and New Hampshire. Even his age and recent heart attack have, at least for the time being, not been an apparent factor for voters, allowing him to sidestep what could have been big problems for his campaign.
He is, however, still an avowed socialist, which makes many in the Democratic party squeamish, particularly after the drubbing the Labour Party took in the UK. Whether or not that is a fair takeaway from the UK elections is certainly debatable, but party leaders and more moderate candidates will almost certainly try to put that front and center in voters’ minds. Which puts Sanders in the same position he has always been in: a core passionate base but not much outside of it. If his momentum holds, though, and he wins some early states it will be interesting to see how the rest of the field reacts.
Drinking Rule: Take a drink every time Sanders makes a billionaire clutch their pearls.
3. Elizabeth Warren
The good news for Warren is she seems to have survived the mess she made trying to straddle the line between single-payer health care and not raising taxes on the middle class. The bad news is she still gave up ground in the polls, and lost much of the momentum she was picking up over the course of the summer. Still, she is picking up endorsements, including higher profile ones like Megan Rapinoe. And while criticism of her consulting work popped up again, this time it had a boomerang effect on poor Mayor Pete (more below again).
Time is growing short for Warren to regain the ground she lost, though. While her floor may still be leaps and bounds over most of her opponents’ ceilings, it isn’t going to be enough to pull off a win, and there are only so many plans you can throw at voters to generate headlines.
Drinking Rule: Teach your nephew to take a shot whenever Warren mentions she was a teacher.
4. Amy Klobuchar
Look, I know I went out on a limb with Kamala Harris last time, and it ended with her dropping out of the race completely. But while Harris made a measured decision and likely left herself an avenue as a top-tier running mate, Klobuchar is a lot more stubborn and she is definitely in this to win it.
And it’s maybe kind of working. Klobuchar is getting some renewed attention in Iowa, and it is coming at a time when the field is beginning to narrow. This could be hugely beneficial to Klobuchar, as a strong showing in Iowa could help prop up her pretty substandard national poll numbers. But even with all that she still lacks a clear, engaging message for why we should care about her, as her campaign is still largely defined by thinking Warren and Sanders’ progressivism is a pipe dream. “Real” Americans care about having real solutions to these problems, like trying to compromise with a Republican party that has shown time and time again they would rather let the country burn than give Democrats anything that even looks like a win. THAT’S realism, folks.
Drinking Rule: Take shot of absinthe every time Klobuchar talks about “real solutions” and watch as what is real and what is not blur into one.
5. Pete Buttigieg
Oh, Pete. You were on top of the world! But just as Warren found out, when you are on the top there is that much more space to fall. Mayor Pete clearly sees Warren as a rival and hoped to use criticism of her consulting work against her, but instead found himself having to deal with questions of his own work with consulting firm McKinsey. And this is on top of his staggeringly bad ability to reach out to communities of color, culminating in being called a “lying motherfucker.” The left flank of the party is having a field day with him.
Making matters worse for Buttigieg is that he doesn’t have a great response to these problems, mostly because he really doesn’t have a whole lot of experience. While Warren can point to her work as a senator to combat questions about her consulting work, all Pete can point to is his time as mayor of a city where the black population doesn’t like him. And with Biden still sticking it out in the “centrist lane,” Mayor Pete may be hitting a wall.
Drinking Rule: Take a drink every time Buttigieg sounds like Dave Chappelle playing a white person on Chappelle’s Show.
6. Andrew Yang
Barely making the cut for the debate stage, Yang’s campaign continues to hang on by a thread. Honestly, there isn’t much to say at this point. He is still polling in the low single digits and he is still very much obsessed with paying people off to apologize for automation. But he is also the only minority still on the debate stage, which, considering where this primary started in terms of diversity, is not great for the Democratic party.
Yang clearly believes that if he keeps holding on more voters will warm up to him, and the fact that he is the only “outsider” candidate to find any traction lends that some credibility. But he is still completely hamstrung by his overall pessimistic take on policy. That only works when you are going after the scared white people that make up the Republican base. His only hope is to find a way to repackage his ideas to feature less of a doomsday angle and introduce a little charisma into his pitch. There is not much hope.
Drinking Rule: Anytime Yang mentions robots or AI, pour your drink over your smartphone to show it who’s really in charge!
7. Tom Steyer
Look, I don’t even want to talk about this rich asshole. Fuck him. He is a waste of a podium. At least Bloomberg has the decency to not make us listen to his bullshit on primetime. Steyer will still be throwing money at his 2020 run five years from now, because apparently he doesn’t have anything better to spend it on. I need a drink.
Drinking Rule: Just don’t stop drinking.