We all know that most Christmas ornaments are mindlessly mass-produced, fabricated without a thought for the well-being of the planet and, moreover, with most of the brainpower behind the design work going to how to slurp money out of your wallet this holiday season. But if you are one of those smart people who see through the tricks and reject factory-churned objects that pretend to be either pigs or reindeer (depending on which way you tilt it), let me share with you this list on how to create your own ornaments – handmade, natively-sourced, environmentally friendly, and completely unique!
First, instead of using glitter, which is both kitschy and toxic, either pan for gold in your nearest creek or (if you are rushed for time) simply borrow some (permanently) from the nearest bank. Preferably Deutsche Bank or Toronto-Dominion Bank, since they both dealt with Jeffrey Epstein, and anyone who worked with him deserves to have their pockets relieved of excess weight. Once you are in possession of your innovative and sophisticated glitter, mix it abundantly into green-yellow paint. With that done, you are ready to gallivant off on a long walk, picking up walnuts, hazelnuts, or chestnuts to paint a fine tinge of gold and hang on the tree.
Next, you will of course need ornament hangers, and China is the best place to obtain natural-grown hemp. While there, resist the urge to pick up cheaply-crafted items loaded with glitter. Also, refrain from the impulse to smoke your ornament hangers. On your way home, stop by Indonesia to pick up some native cloves and oranges. These will keep you occupied for the eleven-hour flight home as you stuff cloves into the oranges as decorative patterns, as well as keep the other passengers on the flight enchanted by the aroma.
Once home, you will need to go to your local farmer’s market and buy approximately 17.4 pounds of local organic honey in the comb. Once back in town, you may want to don a beekeeper’s outfit for going out, your pretext to the shop owner being that your bees are perishing from want of immediate sustenance. From the fictitious bees’ sustenance, you will make delightful candles to replace the electric lights that suck the soul out of Christmas. You will want to place your tree in a child’s wading pool, just in case. But if your house does happen to burn down, do not despair. The fire has conveniently erased all your fingerprints for you.
You’ve been wanting to move anyway, and you still need snow for your Christmas village. Forget using stuffing; who wants to say, “Yes, I used purified terephthalic acid for my Christmas decorations this year. How about you?” Your best option is to move to Virginia and procure a cotton plantation. Since slavery is thankfully outlawed, hire local teenagers who are hanging out at the skateboard park. Hiring them is really three birds with one stone (if that metaphor isn’t too violent, medieval, or anti-ornithological). If you are short on time, however, you can always also get a sheep and use the wool.
Note: This will also save you time cutting the grass, as well as save your neighbors time mowing their lawns. It may possibly also be of great service to the lady who lives three blocks down from you on the right with the neon pink shutters and bright orange flowers. It may be useful too as a bribe to the police officers who’ll eventually come knocking, and if they refuse your sheep, your last resort is to make them Christmas cookies. Always works.
Just like that, you’ve now got your own beautiful handmade Christmas ornaments that will be the talk of the town! Wasn’t that easy?
