Dearest Paul, the Love of My Life,
It is my deep regret to tell you that I will not be home for dinner tonight. I know you’ve been long awaiting my return, and that it’s been a long three weeks of this oddly restrained coup d’etat, but I believe we are finally starting to make progress. Today in the unforgiving trenches of the deli just off F Street NW, Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez and her girl gang cornered me and attacked me with persuasive language.
I’m pretty sure in coups you’re supposed to attack the other side, but their ambush of me with the 25th Amendment of our great Constitution has me feeling more rash than I have in decades… it might be time to drop the bomb. The big one.
Remember to turn off the oven this time,
Your faithful wife
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Dear Former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton,
I have finally found the courage and the urgency to do it, to drop the big bomb; I have announced a formal impeachment inquiry. No, I haven’t initiated a vote to impeach yet, but still. We all know the best part of a sudden, violent coup is it not being sudden or violent at all. I know you get it, my dear, considering you overthrew Benghazi with your private email server.
I must admit it is a little odd that Donald thinks admitting his wrongdoings is a valid counterattack, as if admitting crimes nullifies them. I also find it odd that he says the goal of this coup is to nullify the 2016 presidential election, because if both Donald and Mike go down, you won’t be president. I will. Sorry if this honesty upsets you, but the truth hurts, I’m told.
Speaking of pain, have you heard the rumurs about a moat filled with alligators and snakes? I think Chuck Schumer might have to finally learn how to swim.
Wishing you the best,
The future first female president of the United States
—
Dear Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg,
Are you still alive?
Answer me,
Nancy
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Dear President Trump,
I am writing to you because that is what you do when you’re attempting to unlawfully seize power. You did it too with your texts to Ukraine; I hope you didn’t rack up too much of an international texting fee, because someone is going to have to pay that back when you tweet yourself into an aneurysm.
I must ask, why do you keep tweeting? Is it for our entertainment? Because if so, it’s working, and is the biggest reason as to why we have not held a vote on impeachment yet. We are all loving the drama and aren’t quite ready to part with this phase of your panic tweet storms.
But I must admit I am very curious as to your strategy there. You kind of repetitively… tell on yourself. And by all means, continue – that makes my job much easier. Although the recent Nickelback meme was such a violent blow to our morale, you are just justifying and re-justifying our reasons for overthrowing you through Constitutional process. It’s making us look less like daring regime changers and more like people doing exactly what they’re supposed to do.
Maybe it makes sense that you are not fighting this with all your strategic might, what with your bone spurs and all.
Try dodging this draft, motherfucker.
Also, please just pull a Nixon and resign. But not before implicating Mike Pence.
Tick tock,
The future first female president of the United States
