In his five terms in office, Donald Trump came close to overhauling the country’s education system. He definitely left his mark on K-12 science, the way a bulky Russian bear marks a tree.
But it took the nation’s first female leader, Betsy DeVos, to finally enact Only Losers Left Behind. In addition to giving taxpayers a $25 coupon to apply to any school of their choice, those in the highest income brackets will now receive an “America Appreciates You” voucher worth 85% off private school tuition, respecting Ivy League family traditions.
In the spirit of de-regulation, the new bill abolishes the U.S. Department of Education. With the goal of ensuring kids are no longer learning a bunch of politically correct hooey and time-wasting facts about foreigners, national standards were eliminated or streamlined. Unlike the disastrous No Child Left Behind, the plan is not evidence-based (relying on research from university professors) and is instead faith-based (relying on a random group of churchgoers in Minot, SD who outlined the basics they knew in their guts were true).
Starting in 2035, English will be the only language taught. Science and math students must know their three Cs: Chemistry, Creationism, and Counting. Social Studies is reduced to differentiating shithole from non-shithole countries and knowing some important facts about American history. (Sorry snowflakes, no more cultural competencies.)
Get a head start on educating your kiddos by helping them learn the following:
George Washington and the Cherry Tree: The fable is not true. But, being a great man like our 45th president, our first president repeated this lie so many times it’s now in the history books. That’s called political genius.
Boston Tea Party: In 1773 a group of brave men (no women) got fed up with hoity-toity British elites telling them what to do. They dressed up like Indians (the real American kind), climbed on a ship in the dead of night, and threw crates of tea into the harbor. Like real men, they drank coffee and were also sick of being told what to drink. Their courage inspired the American Revolution and the modern day Republican Tea Party, which fights for your freedom today by making sure no laws are passed in Congress, unless they are tax breaks for huge companies.
Civil War: In the 1860s there was a labor dispute between the northern and southern states involving cotton. Good people and very impressive generals fought on both sides, but it’s important to know that Republicans were the winners. Abraham Lincoln was a Republican, which solidly proves that the Republican Party of the 21st century is not racist, no matter what anyone says.
The So-called “Great Depression”: Long considered a hoax, the 1930s was a time when lazy Democrats refused to work and went around asking for free food. It was so bad, the lines were a half-mile long after someone started a rumor about free soup.
Franklin Roosevelt and the New Deal: The “Great Depression” ushered in the darkest time in American history. Dictator Franklin Roosevelt rammed through a series of devastating entitlements (definition: handouts for losers) known as the “New Deal.” We are still fighting to overturn this era of run-amok socialism.
Wars: After the Civil War, America fought in three other wars: World War I (1917-1918), World War II (1941-1945), and the War on Christmas (2008–2016). We won all three.
Ronald Reagan: Historians agree that Ronald Reagan is second only to Jesus in greatness. He had incredible hair that was thick and wavy well into his advanced years. If you visit our nation’s capitol on a spring break field trip, you will most likely land at the airport named after him. He was the first President to promote trickle-down economics (definition: take care of the rich and powerful, and they might take care of you). This smart theory is still the best we have.
God Bless America: The United States is a Christian nation, despite having had one Muslim president who was born in Kenya and is best known for starting the War on Christmas.
History in Context: Just think, today is tomorrow’s yesterday! We are all part of history, so do something worthwhile when you grow up, like start your own business and make enough money so you won’t have to pay taxes.
