Hey, what’s up, chump? It’s me, your twenty-fourth birthday. Mom wanted me to remind you to take your dishes up from the basement. The milk smell from the cereal bowls is wafting through the vents.
Can’t smell the milk? The scent of mildew growing on the wet pipes you sleep under must be overpowering the other smells.
Everyone you know on Instagram is now traveling the world, writing for a Netflix show or making fortunes in tech finding new and exciting ways to exploit people. Everyone you know in real life works at Jimmy John’s with you.
Is it cool if I add you on LinkedIn for old time’s sake? I’m kidding. You aged out of networking after your long, dismal post-grad job search. The only network you have now is on Xbox Live.
But don’t worry about money, you’re still set to make $20 watching the family dog during Dad’s work trip.
At twenty-four, what you need is some hard advice. Your parents aren’t always going to be there for you. Are you familiar with the origin of Batman? The story of Batman could happen to anyone. And honestly, you should be praying Batman happens to you.
Sorry if this seems harsh, but literally nothing has ever motivated you in your entire life. Besides, of course, winning trivia at the bar where you’ve told everyone you’re in grad school.
You shouldn’t have any regrets about the past two years. Recounting stories from your study-abroad trip to an endless cycle of Tinder dates. Explaining gaps in your resume as needing “time to grow.” Screaming at the sky. What could you possibly wish to change?
You may think your life is over. But it’s actually just beginning… still. Oh, The One Place You’ll Go! (a cubicle)
Also, just a heads up, a guy is eventually going to come down to the basement to fix the AC. Luckily, he won’t bother you because your bed is hidden behind the room divider your college roommate left you when she moved in with her boyfriend.
So happy twenty-fourth birthday! Take it all in today. And don’t worry, no one’s going to mention it unless you bring it up at work and act passive-aggressive about it.
