Me: Hi, it’s July 1969 and we’re here in Karen’s bedroom. We were supposed to go to the beach, but it’s closed again.
Karen: Bacteria.
Me: So we started fooling around with the tape recorder Karen got last Hanukkah. First we sang some songs from Hair into it, and while we were dancing in slow-motion like hippies, we got a groovy idea. There’s so much heavy stuff going on in the world right now – the moon landing, the war, the parallel timeline on Dark Shadows where Barnabas goes back to 1897 to solve the mystery of Quentin’s ghost…
Karen: Very confusing…
Me: So we thought, what if we talked about all of these things on tape, to preserve them for future generations?
Karen: We’re going to bury these tapes in a time capsule, so even if there’s a nuclear war, people will know everything that happened in 1969.
Me: Karen, you know what I just realized? We’re going to have to bury the tape recorder too.
Karen: But I got it for Hanukkah! My parents will kill me! No way. Somebody in the future will have a tape recorder.
Me: Yeah, you’re probably right. Okay, the first news event we want to teach people of the future about is John Lennon and Yoko Ono’s Bed-In for Peace. John Lennon was a Beatle. Yoko Ono was his wife. The first Bed-In started on March 25, 1969 in the presidential suite of the Amsterdam Hilton hotel.
Karen: John and Yoko were on their honeymoon, but they spent the whole week in bed talking to reporters about peace.
Jay: How did they pee?
Me: That is not the point, Jay!
Jay: You said they stayed in bed for a whole week. Did they just pee the bed?
Karen: MOM! Jay’s bothering us!
Jay: I bet they did sex in front of everybody, too!
Me: Just shut UP!
Jay: Hey, wanna see a picture of John and Yoko with no clothes on?
Karen: MOM! MAKE JAY LEAVE US ALONE!
Karen’s mom: (Unintelligible shout.)
Jay: COMING! (Burps loudly. Slams door.)
Me: Let’s hurry up and do our report while he’s gone. So anyway, John and Yoko were against the Vietnam War. The Bed-In was like a Sit-In, but in bed.
Karen: They wore white pajamas and the big hotel bed was made up with white sheets and flowers, and the reporters kept asking them stupid questions like why their hair is so long. John and Yoko made signs saying “Hair Peace” and “Bed Peace” and hung them up on the windows.
Me: John and Yoko were artists.
Karen: But not like “Whistler’s Mother” artists.
Me: Right. They were avant-ay gard-ay. They used their fame to call attention to the immorality of an undeclared war from which the U.S. had no clear exit strategy and which disproportionately killed black and lower-class men because of the inherent racism and classism of the draft.
Karen: I never thought of that.
Me: I heard Jane Fonda say it on The Merv Griffin Show.
Karen: Anyway, news reports treated the Bed-In like a joke.
Me: Ugh, the reporters were so uptight. Who cares if John and Yoko look like hippies?
Karen: Right on! Yoko’s hair though. Those split ends…
Me: Traditional standards of beauty are OUT, Karen! I thought you were for women’s lib?
Karen: Can’t I be for women’s lib and still have shiny, smooth, touchable hair like a Breck Girl?
Me: Well, when I start wearing a bra, the first thing I’m going to do is burn it.
(Jay bursts into the room, waving the cover to John and Yoko’s Two Virgins album)
Jay: Look, you can see Yoko’s boobs!
Karen: Where did you get that?
Jay: From Jeffrey Goldman. His cousin smuggled it in from Canada. Don’t you wanna see John’s thing? That’s what men’s things look like in England.
Karen: MOM!
Jay: Ah, you’re a couple of babies. Smell ya later!
Me: Jay wait! Come back, I wanna see John’s thing! JAAAYYY!
Karen: What did he mean about John’s thing?
Me: Karen, are you serious? Remember my little brother’s bris?
Karen: John’s a rabbi?
Me: Oh, forget it. Anyway, John and Yoko had more than one Bed-In. On the last night of their Montreal Bed-In, a whole bunch of famous people came into the room and everybody sang “Give Peace a Chance.” Timothy Leary…
Karen: The LSD guy.
Me: Allen Ginsberg.
Karen: A poet.
Me: The cartoonist that draws Lil’ Abner.
Karen: I don’t know why he was there.
Me: Nobody really good.
Karen: No.
Me: I wish George and Ringo showed up. Or maybe…
Karen: Uh oh, here it comes…
Me: Give me one good reason why Paul wouldn’t show up!
Karen: Because he’s mad at John! Because they’re not speaking to each other! Because nobody likes Yoko and it’s tearing the Beatles apart!
Me: DON’T SAY THAT! DO NOT SAY THAT!
Karen: I’m sorry, but it’s true, and the sooner we accept it the easier it’ll be when they break up! Awww, don’t cry. I’m sorry. Forget I said anything. Maybe they’ll make up and stop suing each other. Do you want me to turn off the tape recorder?
Me: (audible sniffling) I’m okay. Let’s keep going. So that was the Bed-In. John and Yoko also sent acorns to fifty world leaders to promote peace. And they did bagism. That was when they wore a giant bag covering both of them, so you could only hear their voices.
Karen: To get you to focus on their words, not how they looked.
(Door slams open)
Jay: They look better with bags over their heads!
Karen: GET OUT!
Jay: MAKE ME!
Karen: I DON’T MAKE TRASH, I BURN IT!
(Sounds of Jay and Karen choking each other)
Me: Karen! Jay! STOP FIGHTING! (Begins singing in wavering voice.) “All we are saying, is give peace a chance…”
Jay: THE BEATLES STINK!
Karen: I HOPE YOU GET DRAFTED!
(Audible shuffling, crashing noises)
(End tape)
