If you woke up this morning, stretched, and thought to yourself that there was nothing on God’s green earth that you didn’t know about, I am afraid I have some bad news for you: underneath all of your noses, I have become an amazing tap dancer. Yep, completely unbeknownst to you and everyone else, I have successfully ascended from a lowly novice to one of the best hoofers in the game.
That’s right, as you were out gettin’ your drink on or whatever the hell you do with your time, little did you know I was in my room, taking my craft to another level. Toe drops, crab rolls, paradiddles, you name it, I laid them to waste and you were none the wiser, a woeful ignoramus to my burgeoning virtuosity.
While this may come as a surprise to you, when you probably figured I was just off reading a book somewhere or contemplating the ocean, not suspicious in the least I was well on my way to becoming the next big name in tap dancing, the truth is I have been honing my skills for years and you didn’t have a fucking clue.
It’s amazing how quickly things can change, isn’t it? One day you feel like you have the whole world in the palm of your hand, only to find out the next that I am making one of America’s oldest dance forms my bitch and all of a sudden you’re Mike Tyson versus Buster Douglas, scrambling for your mouthpiece. I wish I could say I feel sorry for you but I don’t.
To be perfectly honest, you brought this on yourself. As I feel like I have proven with my bizarre emotional outbursts and tendency to randomly fall to the ground to show people I can do a kip-up, I am desperate for attention, so if you didn’t realize I was the man who was going to bring tap dancing back to the forefront of the public consciousness that’s your own goddamn fault. You thought you could just go about your merry little way and nothing would ever get past you. Well, if you haven’t figured it out by now that shit just isn’t going to fly anymore, because I hate to break it to you but my mastery of hoofing is just the tip of the iceberg.
I also earned a master’s degree in forestry, finished watching March of the Penguins, and lost most of the money I was saving up for a touring kayak in an assortment of failed tech startups, all without you suspecting a thing. That’s not even the worst part, either. I could have done so much more and you never would have noticed.
I guess its gut-check time for you now, huh? Here you thought you knew everything under the sun and it turns out you don’t know dick. I just hope for your sake this is the wake-up call you need and you can learn something from this, primarily that no matter how good you are, tap dancing doesn’t pay very much and I would love for you to come to one of my shows.