Sphinctoria: Water Park & Enema Provider
Fun and practical, if you don’t mind the smell.
Uncle Bill’s Mud Hole
That’s not just a cutesy name, either. It really is just a mud hole, and Bill really is your uncle. There’s a reason your dad never spoke of him.
Unlisted Off-Brand “SpongeBill Splitpants” Water Park
Featuring all of your kid’s favorites… kind of! Take a swim with SpongeBill, his best friend Paddy Starface, and his cantankerous neighbor Skippy down in Bikini Butthole. Hungry? Why not grab a bite to eat at the Kruddy Scab? Or how about a visit with that funny little squirrel, Andy Beets?
It’s just like you’ve seen on TV! Only not in any way that would hold up in a court of law.
Somali Pirate Adventure!
For $50, they’ll cart you out into the middle of Somali waters and leave you there. The rest is up to you.
Genesis: A Biblical Experience
Ever wanted to know what it was like to ride on Noah’s Ark? No? Well, now you can anyway with the only water-based petting zoo in the country. While you’re at it, why not check out the inside of Jonah’s Big Plastic Whale? Before you leave, don’t forget to take a swim in Genesis’ famous River of Blood! Don’t worry, it’s not really human blood (it’s just sheep).
Trump Resorts Russia: Golden River
Known for its unusually high urine content.
Sweat of the Stars: A Musical Journey
This one is something of a passion project for its proprietor, a former rock-and-roll roadie for several well-known bands.
Gathering the sweat wrung out of towels from hundreds of live shows, the park distills it into a forty percent spring water mixture and places it in artist-specific pools. Due to the pure tonnage of sweat required, the featured performers tend to skew older, but if you’ve ever wanted to bathe in the DNA of members of the Rolling Stones, this is your chance.