WASHINGTON – Recently, Robot Butt was approached by an individual claiming that Republican Senate hopeful Roy Moore dated Heffalumps and Woozles while he was a district attorney in Alabama in the 1970’s. Robot Butt determined these allegations were false because, come on, and when we confronted the source we learned it was a sting operation put together by Project Veritas ringleader James O’Keefe, who is really bad at this.
The source of these allegations came from a 40-year-old man in a purple unicorn onesie named “Bob” who claimed to be a Heffalump. He stated that Moore had taken him out on numerous dates when he was just a Heffalump cub, and that Moore preyed upon numerous other Heffalumps and Woozles. Mind you, Heffalumps and Woozles are fictional characters, which is something our fact checkers didn’t even need to look up from the episode of Mindhunter they were watching in order to confirm when we half-jokingly asked them.
Bob also claimed that in addition to taking him on dates, Moore engaged in “inappropriate zuzzling.” Zuzzling is a nonsense word and at this point we were really starting to get offended he thought we might buy this. He then asked if these revelations would end Moore’s campaign. When our reporters only managed to respond with laughter, Bob said he no longer felt comfortable sharing the story and would take the allegations to another outlet.
Being suspicious because we are not the fucking morons O’Keefe assumes everyone but himself is, our reporters followed Bob to the headquarters of Project Veritas, O’Keefe’s non-profit organization. When Bob came back out he was no longer wearing his onesie. When our reporters confronted him with the inconsistency of his demeanor, Bob admitted it was a sting operation and that O’Keefe had hired him to play the part of a Heffalump. When Bob asked the reporters how they knew, they slowly shook their heads in disappointment.
We reached out to O’Keefe via email to receive a comment from him about his sting operation, and to ask why he thought any organization would believe children’s cartoon characters were real and had been propositioned by Roy Moore. O’Keefe replied with an email that was nothing but “YOU JUST GOT KEEFED” over and over again. Minutes later he took to Twitter and fired off a series of tweets saying that “Heffalumps and Woozles are too real, don’t buy into the liberal propaganda!” and “I am so much smarter than Robot Butt, shut up THEY’RE the dum dum heads” and “I just locked myself out of the building can someone please let me in?”