Whether you’re a contractor or a home-repair specialist, people who install faucets have known since our founding in 1956 that they can trust Moen. In your kitchen, bathroom, or home studio, you’ve counted on us to supply you with elegant solutions for shooting water out of the pipes in your walls whenever you want. However, what if there was more? That’s why we’ve put A.I. in your faucets. Yes, that A.I. To many, a SmartFaucet seems unnecessary. For instance, one contrarian customer wrote on our website: “I just want to turn it on and water comes out. One side hot,…
Author: Tony Delgado
Tony Delgado
Tony Delgado is a cartoonist and writer. His work explores themes of media, anxiety, capitalist alienation, noir, and cyberpunk. His writing has appeared in Chortle and Little Old Lady Comedy. His relationship to comedy is like your relationship with your mother—strained, difficult to explain, and uncomfortably funny. He currently is alive in Connecticut, with his wife, Kathleen, and his bossy corgi, Michael.
To My Student Loan Servicing Company: Send the little man in the silken booties so I can start guessing his name already. If I’m correct, I keep my firstborn. If not, goodbye Junior. Either way, we can finally consider my Federal Student Loans paid in full. We’ve all read the same Grimm fairytale, which is why I’m writing to you, my loan servicer, to say fuck the Income Driven Plan. Instead, let’s try something off-menu: The Rumpelstiltskin plan, in which I correctly guess a creepy man’s name or he takes my child. Don’t pretend this option doesn’t exist or that you…