Author: Robot Butt News Corp.

BUFFALO, N.Y. – Following his release Sunday from Upstate Correctional Facility, 46-year-old ex-convict Terry Dixon hurled a heartfelt apology letter that was tied to a brick through the front window of the Flaherty residence, a family whose home Dixon had broken into and robbed at gunpoint eight years ago. “I’ve had a lot of time to reflect on the physical and emotional trauma I put the Flahertys through, and all I can hope is that they accept my humble apology,” a visibly emotional Dixon told reporters, whose note – titled, “Can you ever forgive me?” – landed in a pile of…

WASHINGTON, D.C. – The holiday season is in full swing, but sweater weather hasn’t begun yet – and it might not for awhile, according to members of President-elect Donald Trump’s staff, as Myron Ebell has begun the Environmental Protection Agency’s transition into Trump’s first term and beyond. Originally part of a grand scheme to compromise U.S. manufacturing efforts, the lie of global warming has escalated according to Ebell, hindering national money-making efforts and encouraging millions of Americans to whine loudly about air quality and rising sea levels. “I’ve never heard anyone complain about temperate Thanksgivings or living closer to the beach…

NEW YORK CITY – Faced with unrelenting stress as President-elect, increasing attacks from all sides on a daily basis, and a variety of potential investigations into his business and foundational dealings, Donald Trump has been filling up his diapers at an unprecedented clip since the election. Sources confirmed that Trump has been rage-pooping for years, and the family all but gave up trying to teach him to do otherwise a long time ago. Trump’s daughter Ivanka did not deny that her father was causing at least twelve golden diapers a day to overflow with a black, feces-like substance, but said, “To make…

WOODS HOLE, Mass. – Elated marine biologists announced today they had picked up the radio signal of giant tortoise and Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell as he made his annual mating trek to the Galápagos Islands. “I know I speak for all of us at Woods Hole when I say how humbled I am to track this amazing event,” said Dr. Heidi Campbell, noting this would be the first time since last year’s migration McConnell had fucked anything other than America. “The moment Sen. McConnell lumbers onto shore, the wrinkly skin of his long, sensuous neck will prove irresistible to…

TOPEKA, Kan. – The holidays won’t be so happy for one local woman this year. Arnetta Bolin, mother of three and grandmother of ten, has been arrested on counts of insurance fraud perpetuated last year while walking home last Christmas Eve. “Grandma” Bolin, 84, alleged that she had been run over by one of Santa’s sleigh-pulling reindeer and filed a claim against Kris Kringle’s insurance, asking for nearly half a million dollars to cover medical expenses and mental anguish. But Santa Claus disputed these claims. Santa, a mythic figure inside courtrooms, declined to take the stand in trial, but his defense…

BETHLEHEM – An extra dose of surprise came some 2,000+ years ago in Bethlehem when an unusual creature found its way to the manger for the birth of lord and savior Jesus Christ; a donkey managed to snag a front row seat. Witnesses noted puzzled looks from the wise men after they visited with the infant savior. “I heard muttering,” said local herder Amir Sokhan. “They just seemed dumbfounded and mimicked the ‘hee-haw’ sound while shaking their heads.” The incident proved enormous for the legacy of the donkey. Now, more than two millennia later, the animals are still thrust into cultural…

WATERBURY, Conn. – After divorcing her longtime partner Jose Nunes, Elizabeth Gilbert recently announced that she has penned a follow-up to her hit novel Eat, Pray, Love. The sequel, entitled Eat, Eat, Eat, will be on bookshelves in time for the holidays. “I’m in a really Zen place now,” Gilbert said between bites of cookie dough ice cream and Double Stuf Oreos. “My life has never been more fulfilling.”  Rather than praying or loving, Gilbert spends most of the book binge-eating in her pajamas. Her lack of spiritual awakening makes the book a much easier read than the first novel. In…

MEDFORD, Ore. – Reaffirming their commitment to chastity, teenagers Samantha Gray and Colin Reingold told reporters Tuesday that they had made a solemn vow to remain virgins until Reingold’s parents left home for the weekend. “This is how the Lord intended it,” explained Gray.  “In His eyes, sexual intimacy should be between a man and a woman bound by the sanctity of that man or woman’s parents being at Crater Lake for two whole days.”  Gray and Reingold told reporters that without the commitment of waiting for Reingold’s parents to be well out of cell phone range, the experience would feel…

THE NORTH POLE – Santa’s Workshop released its updated Christmas list request figures this week, and the report was highlighted by a sharp uptick in worldwide requests for Nazi flags and memorabilia in 2016. “We thought this might happen given the rise of the white supremacist movement in the United States,” North Pole spokeself Seymour Gigglebuns said. “But things really ramped up after the election.” While the workshop’s official stance is that it will not produce any type of Nazi memorabilia, there have been leaner years where the elves did what had to be done to keep the operation afloat. This…