Tuna Sushi with Nouveau Wasabi This tuna was scraped from the inside of a can we found in an abandoned grocery store that only had eighteen corpses in it. It’s been wrapped in flax seeds as we ran out of rice due to high demand. The wasabi paste is made from an oil-by-product recovered from a nearby tailing pond. This does not create the classic wasabi flavor, but we find it is an equally uncomfortable flavor that is on the cutting edge of nouveau cooking. Beyond Meat Burger Unlike before the Apocalypse, we no longer use carefully grown meat substitutes…
Author: Declan Cross
Declan Cross
Declan Cross is an accounting student at the University of Guelph. Because that is stupendously boring he also writes funny things. His work can be found in Points in Case, Soft Cartel, and Robot Butt. You can tweet at him @declanbcross.
Beginning of Time – 40,000 BCE: In pre-Homo sapiens time, Donald Trump would have been eaten by a dinosaur, carried off by a giant bird, or banished because he had not evolved the power of thought. 40,000 BCE – 3,000 BCE: In this time, humans and their predecessors were migrating out of Southern Africa. Trump surely would have died, as that much walking would have caused his heart to explode. 3,000 BCE – 1,000 BCE: The ancient Egyptians would have killed him for his fascination with walls when the rest of them were only interested in building pyramids. 1,000 BCE…