CLASSIFIED LOCATION – With all of the world’s diplomats and most important scientists, writers, artists and athletes in attendance in an underground bunker at an undisclosed location, the Bulletin of Atomic Scientists announced Tuesday that “it’s all good” as the Doomsday Clock stayed at three minutes to midnight.
“We’ll all be quite safe for years – decades to come,” said Lynn Eden, a member of the Bulletin’s Science and Security Board, her voice muffled through the mask of her protective hazmat suit. “There is absolutely no need to panic.”
As an above-ground siren could be heard from the bunker, located miles below the surface, one observer curiously noted that the walls in the undisclosed location looked “strong enough to withstand anything.”
To assuage any fears of the reporters in attendance, the Bulletin held a brief Q+A session that ended abruptly when the entire group took off running down a long hallway, not to be seen again.
“I still can’t help but wonder why we had to travel through so many steel-enforced vault doors to get down here,” said Rachel Drabhurst, one of the reporters brought down to the bunker after signing a contract to help repopulate the Earth ‘should the need ever arise.’ “Should we have suits too?”
