A lot of people have called me a monster. Pointed at me and laughed or, worse, sheltered their children from me. Told them I was “evil” for stealing milkshakes from McDonaldland. But no one has ever bothered to seek the truth, to learn who the real monster is.
I have a family, it’s true. But all of their lives constantly hang in the balance under the unimaginably evil mind of Ronald McDonald. In November 1971, McDonald and his cult – a group of people with crudely painted clown faces and outfits covered in raw meat – stormed into my home and kidnapped me. McDonald kept my family alive, but forced me into stealing milkshakes for the cult, a delusional group determined to turn McDonaldland into a hellscape devoid of independent freedom.
With his control of the press, McDonald painted me as the simple-minded monster, a slob who simply craved milkshakes. No – I craved my family’s safety. I craved the touch of my wife and the voices of my children. McDonald threatened to kill my family if I ever went public, and I do not know if they are safe now. I’ve only had McDonald’s word to this point, but I have seen what that is worth, and he cut off my second set of arms just to prove he was serious. My only hope is that someone reads this and restores the hope McDonaldland once had.
For now, what else can I do but serve him, this devil that walks among us? Pray for McDonaldland, my friends. Pray for our suffering to end.