In a confounding decision, my workplace has decided that financial bonuses will be divvied out using the same system as Mario Party Bonus Stars.
The email blast made it very clear that my hard work and the landslide of mini-games I won will have no effect at all on my chances of getting a bonus.
Instead, it appears that Jeremy from AP is getting a “steps traveled” bonus for opening the break room fridge the most times this year, and Linda from marketing is getting the “unlucky” one for being the employee who lost the most company money this year, which seems very counterintuitive.