Imagine this: Your kids Emily (4) and Alex (6) settle down on the couch after a long day of being crazy. They turn on the latest episode of Life According to Laney, a children’s sitcom which you’ve become extremely familiar with and more than a little invested in. In this episode Laney adopts a hamster, and that means your kids need a hamster. You’re not thrilled this fictitious show is dictating the actions of your very real family, but Life According to Laney has spent more time with your kids than most living relatives, so you allow it.
The next day you all go to the pet store and are assisted by an employee with a ponytail named Collin. Emily has a fear response to Collin, and you tell her he’s safe, but secretly you’re proud of her survival instincts. Alex has already found the hamster section. The kids want to buy ten, but you talk them down to two.
You arrive home after spending more money than you were planning to and set up the terrarium. You examine the hamsters’ undercarriages to discern their sex (you could have asked Collin, but you wanted to get away from him ASAP) until you realize the kids have already decided they’re both female. Emily says she would like to name both of them Emily. This seems like a logistical nightmare, and you’re uncomfortable naming these dirty animals after your baby girl. You turn to your son for backup, but Alex is also completely bought in to calling the hamsters Emily.
You teach Alex and Human Emily how to provide food, water, and cleanliness to the hamsters. Alex delicately carries a bowl of water with his stubby uncoordinated fingers. Human Emily scream-laughs as Hamster Emily # 1 nibbles on her hand. At this moment you are reminded why you had kids in the first place. You are happy.
The next day you do the same thing, but the kids are a little less eager. Day three and they act like it’s a chore. Day four and they grind their heels with the indignation of a deadbeat parent.
A week in, and you’re on your own with the Emilies. You look up the lifespan of hamsters: about three years. The red one looks a bit more world-weary, so you’re guessing she’ll go first. You feel sympathy for the hamsters, abandoned by the very entities that put them in this prison. Like humanity and God. You rename them Ash and Tangerine, names you only dare use when you’re alone with them. Ash loves running around her tunnel. Tangerine scratches at the glass when it’s feeding time. It no longer feels like a chore.
Three years later, you and your kids bury Ash in a shoebox next to Tangerine’s grave. Emily (7) wails incoherently. Alex (9) brags over how unmoved he is. A tear falls down your cheek. You’re not sure why. It was just a hamster.
You and the kids settle down for Life According to Laney, which is still a flagship program. In the most recent episode, Laney travels to the beach and befriends a turtle. Emily and Alex decide they need a turtle. You look up the lifespan of domestic turtles. The smallest can live up to 25 years. You sneak a beer into the bathroom and drink it on the toilet.