In the ever-evolving American bureaucracy, a seismic shift is underway. No longer are government workers gathering in crowded conference rooms under flickering fluorescent lights to ponder the latest directives from Washington. Now, they’re channeling their collective frustration in new venues: neighborhood bars and dispensaries.
In Foggy Bottom watering holes, corner tables are being cordoned off for all-hands meetings. Employees of the EPA, DOJ, and USDA are escaping their cubicles toward the end of the day, and ordering another round of drinks at the local pub, streaming the latest nonsensical policy statements like some kind of absurd reality show.
Welcome to the “New Normal”
While the government’s appetite for red tape has always slowed down service in the bureaucratic kitchen, now it’s accompanied with a side dish of crazy. Newly appointed officials – with or without the appropriate authority but with buckets of bravado – send out confusing directives that career civil servants are expected to consume en masse.
In today’s Washington, swallowing that executive order along with a cocktail is way more enjoyable than hiding out in a soul-sucking government building. If you can get away to a place where the wi-fi is strong, the snacks are savory, and the drink specials at happy hour come with an umbrella, why stay at your dingy government office at the end of the day waiting for the next dictum to descend?
Bars: The New Brainstorming Spaces
A group of senior staffers from the Department of Health and Human Services was seen last week sitting around a high top, watching a town hall on a screen while the bartender cracked open another round of IPAs. “We might as well call our HHS office the “House of High Spirits,’” quipped one employee, who was just trying to make it through the day without losing his mind.
The Great Escape: Dispensaries as New HQ
As if the stress of government work weren’t enough, you’ll now find pressured people seeking relief at their local pot shop. Once seen as off-limits to federal workers, dispensaries are proving to be a haven for those on administrative leave, early retirees, and those too demoralized to care. They’re the new “offices” for a growing class of ex-government employees who no longer have to pass random drug tests. “I worked my ass off thinking I was making a difference” says a former Defense Department employee. “Now I’m just trying to figure out which strain of cannabis best dulls the pain of watching our democracy crumble.”
Is This Really What We’re Doing Now?
My team and I have had enough,” says one senior official from the Department of Education, who asked to remain anonymous but shared his thoughts in exchange for a free round of whiskey. “If we’re going to watch a slow-motion shipwreck, it might as well be with good company and a decent cocktail.”
How Low Can We Go?
There’s no sugarcoating it: morale is in freefall. On one hand, remote work has been outlawed by executive fiat; on the other, Musk’s minions are canceling federal leases for office space. Most of the virtual workforce has been suddenly called back into offices without desks, seats, or secure computer terminals. With their missions in jeopardy, the most they can hope for is getting through the day with just a little bit of their dignity intact.
“Hell, I used to believe in public service – in fact, I still do,” says another former USDA employee, nursing a beer in a bar just down the street from his now-closed office. “But when the government starts treating you like dead weight, you realize it’s time to jump ship. And if that involves getting a little high while the country hits an iceberg? At least there’s booze and buds in the lifeboats!”