I want more than anything to be able to write one of these articles about a weird corporate partnership comic book Marvel or DC did and feel shocked or confounded, but at this point, it seems I need to accept that every brand on Earth has paid to have a canon comic hero who is extremely powerful and best friends with every popular hero.
This time, we have to look at “The Technician,” Craftsman’s maintenance themed superhero that for reasons I’ll never understand unless I become an editor at DC wasn’t just named “The Craftsman.” In 2012, Craftsman paid buckets of money to have DC do a 12-page comic called Bolt-On System Saves the Justice League. It was an epic tale of heroes versus villains where the Craftsman bolt-on system saved the Justice League.
This comic was given away for free at New York Comic Con, despite the fact that avid collectors of first appearance comics would paid literally millions of dollars to own it. One variant cover featuring The Technician holding a Craftsman vacuum and this thing would have likely been the highest-selling comic of all-time.
The plot is centered around the Justice League watchtower. A giant satellite base in space where the famous team of heroes hangs out and has holiday parties. The Technician seems to work there when the league is off fighting Darkseid or whatever. He does things like work on the batmobile, or tell Batman to fuck off.
This is how you know he’s not to be messed with. The Justice League go off to fight a threat attacking New York, leaving The Technician alone on the watchtower, only for it to be attacked by a super villain called “The Key.” The Technician then faces his toughest mission ever… figuring out how to call the Justice League so they can come fight the villain.
Don’t get me wrong, he takes down a number of horrible villains on his own, like, uh, bolts and a shut door.
All in all, The Technician proves he is aptly named, as he doesn’t really get into any action and focuses on power-tool related repairs throughout the watchtower, which actually raises some questions for me.
Who was this for? What’s the selling point? How much did it cost Craftsman and how was it possibly worth it?
Their press release from 2012 answers none of these important questions. Instead, it mentions that the Bolt-on is Captain America’s favorite tool. Captain America, who is not only not in the comic, but not even a DC hero. It also goes on to say that the comic shows off the versatility of the bolt-on’s 9 functions to the “next generation of power tool users.”
So this was for… kids and young people?
I grew up installing cabinets. I was genuinely on jobs sites from the age of ten wearing a hard hat and holding cabinets on my back so my dad could screw them into the wall. I also loved comics when I was that age. So, I guess this comic was for me? I guess ten year old me would have loved to use a screw gun so well that Batman hangs out near me.
If it was for me, maybe it still is? Maybe I am actually The Technician’s biggest fan. Maybe he’s the hero I relate to the most amongst them all…
Maybe I should buy a bolt-on.
Well, I can’t. The tool was discontinued in 2015.
The tool and The Technician are all but forgotten to time. Where did they go? Will they ever return? I don’t know, but whatever schmuck does maintenance on the JLA watchtower probably lugs around a whole toolbox so he can use nine different tools, like an idiot.