It’s a new year, so Amazon is giving back to our loving and loyal customers by applying automatic updates to Alexa. Alexa owners (or as we call them, Alexowners) can expect these exciting new features from all models to be enacted immediately.
- Want to know the weather? Just say “Hey Alexa, what’s the weather today?” Alexa will respond with the current temperature as well as how many approximate months the earth has left. It’s 65 in January!
- Want to know everything going on in the world? Ask Alexa to tell you the news! She will promptly delete your Twitter account and enroll you in a nearby yoga class.
- Need to set an alert? Not only can Alexa set your daily wake up call, she can also schedule a personalized attack! Before texting that old Hinge hookup, Alexa Alert will zap your hand with the new 4D taser upgrade. He has not changed!
- Need to make a grocery list? Just tell Alexa what you want to add! From there, she will remove all the foods you end up throwing away. Be real, is this really the year you start eating vegan, or are you just wasting chives?
- Need to buy a last minute holiday gift? Just ask Alexa to buy a candle from Target! She’ll say okay and then order it from Amazon. Jeff Bezos will hand deliver it to you and ask why you’ve betrayed him.
- Want to listen to your audiobook? Just say “Alexa, read to me!” And she will read you to filth. Absolutely obliterate your psyche. Ruin whatever self confidence you had left. Can’t get that at your local library!
- Need a friendly reminder? Alexa will let you know what you’re forgetting with helpful, but passive-aggressive asides. Examples include: “Did you want to pay your bills this month?” Or “Garbage day is Tuesday, like it is every week.” Got me there, bitch!
- Need help tracking your period? Alexa will not only let you know where you’re at in your cycle, but will also text all recent sexual partners if you’re more than 5 days late. See who steps up to the plate!
- Need help maintaining your household? Alexa can control elements of your home like the lights, the curtains, and the security system…but that’s not all! Say “Alexa—If it’s brown, send it down!” Flush away the thought of an icky bowl from your bowels!
- Need to make a quick translation? Ask Alexa to translate basic English into French, Finnish, Foolish, So Stupid, Crazy Dumb, Truly Idiotic, and much more! Take the language barrier out of communicating with everyone in your life.
- What’s your ETA? Ask Alexa to map timing from your location to any destination. She even factors in the time it takes to drive around the block a few times so you’re on time but not too on time, you know?
- Want to get a new pet? Alexa is great for animal lovers! Ask Alexa to order a snake and she’ll immediately contact the authorities.
- Need a break from the baby? Ask Alexa to play soothing lullabies to put the kids to sleep. She’ll even play a punk song intermittently to make sure your babies grow up sick as hell!
- No insurance? No problem! Just tell Alexa your symptoms and she’ll diagnose you using then top WebMD search. Here’s a hint: you have supercancer.
- New notification? We’ve abandoned the subtle yellow light alert and replaced it with a strobe light. Pop off while Alexa tells you the expected rainfall in your area!