Mike Johnson (R-LA) has been elected Speaker of the US House winning unanimous support of the Republican conference. He earned the job after deftly playing a reverse, skip, reverse, draw four combination in a 218 member Uno game which ultimately decided the conference nominee.
As a result, our long national nightmare of having an extremist MAGA Republican like Kevin McCarthy in charge of the House is over. Instead, the oversized novelty gavel is securely in the tiny hands of an extremist MAGA Republican Mike Johnson (R-LA).
Here are some important facts to know about Speaker Johnson, some of which are even true.
Speaker Johnson loves lasagna but hates Mondays and the cat Nermal because the feline is gender fluid.
Speaker Johnson’s official congressional photo is him in sunglasses in the front seat of a truck about to share some important opinions on the internet.
Like a panda bear, Speaker Johnson does a handstand when he has to urinate.
Speaker Johnson supports a total national abortion ban with no exceptions for rape and incest. He also wants to criminalize doctors who provide reproductive medical care for women.
Speaker Johnson has proclaimed himself as belonging to the Taylor Swift Red Era due to his affinity for vintage things like America before civil rights.
Speaker Johnson does not believe the color green exists. He thinks it is a plot by cultural marxists to align with yellow to turn things blue. Inconsistent with his Swiftie lifestyle as noted above.
Speaker Johnson eats breakfast cereal like Allison Williams does at the end of Get Out with a glass of milk and a dry bowl of cheerios.
Speaker Johnson tried to overturn the results of the 2020 election which is totally unrelated to why Donald Trump wants him managing the House in January 2025.
His senior year, Speaker Johnson was voted “most likely to destroy” America by his classmates at Burning Cross High School in Armalite, Louisiana.
Speaker Johnson has proposed a national building standard requiring that all U.S. houses be built with five columns.
Speaker Johnson was an original member of the girl group TLC before leaving the band in 1992 over creative differences.
Speaker Johnson has a 92% rating from the NRA and has consistently opposed every form of gun safety laws like background checks, red flag laws, and rules for conceal carry.
Speaker Johnson was arrested in 2013 for trying to steal the Krabby patty formula. Bikini bottom prosecutors declined to press charges because the octopus witness refused to cooperate since he hates his life. Newspapers reported it as the “classic prisoner’s dilemma” situation though Johnson was quick to turn on co-conspirator Plankton.
Speaker Johnson has been in an on-again-off-again relationship with Jada Pinkett Smith since 2009.
Speaker Johnson’s father is an impoverished italian woodcarver who created a Barred Owl out of a spruce tree in 1883 and wished it to become a real boy.
Speaker Johnson has taken more than $300,000 from the oil & gas industry during his four terms in Congress. In a weird coincidence, he does not believe climate change is real and has a 2 percent lifetime rating from the League of Conservation Voters.
The House cafeteria has a sandwich named after Mike Johnson consisting of hardtack slathered in mayonnaise served in the beak of a pelican decapitated from a bite from Majorie Taylor Greene.
In law school, Speaker Johnson wrote his capstone paper on the legal justification for banning skittles arguing that “taste the rainbow” was too gay a slogan to permit sale to minors.
Speaker Johnson modeled Kirkland Brand at Paris Fashion Week in 1995.
Speaker Johnson has consistently opposed aid to Ukraine, choosing instead to align himself with Vladimir Putin and Russian war crimes.