A Bag of King’s Hawaiian Rolls
You nearly brought the Pumpkin Pie Pop-Tarts (because duhh-licious), but you already pulled that last year. Your student loans have been in forbearance for seven years. Your latest TikTok about condiment shelf lives went viral-ish.
The Fancy Arugula Salad With Candied Pecans Bought in Multiple Bags From Trader Joe’s, Assembled in a Wooden Bowl With Tongs
You once sent your Starbucks order in the app to the wrong Starbucks (zaniest thing you’ve ever done!!!). You were nearly a no-show this year due to illness (see also: the nasty case of crotch rot you developed from wearing your yoga pants three days in a row). No one can ever know you had a Nickelback phase.
Smoked Turkey
You smoked this bird for 78 hours. Part of that time you spent in your happy place, listening to Merle Haggard, having a nice long soak in your clawfoot tub. People keep sending you a podcast episode about the unironic mullet, and you’re not sure if it is a kind suggestion or passive-aggressive. You keep trying to bring the penny loafer back but it doesn’t seem to catch on.
Roasted Turkey + Cranberry Sauce in a Can
You invited 28 people to your house for Thanksgiving today, most of whom you want to throat-punch. You recently told your sister, “You lost your sense of taste wayyy before you got COVID.” She called you acerbic. You do not agree with her, in the way that dairy doesn’t agree with you anymore.
Gravy
You are the gravy guy. You do not tire, year after year, of reminding everyone that everything else is just…
Garlic Mashed Potatoes
You effected a strange baritone voice when you asked Alexa to re-read you the recipe for the garlic mashed potatoes, like you needed help but you also needed to sound in charge. The nightmare where you are quizzed about the periodic table of elements plagues you on a quarterly basis. (Who decided Pb should be the abbreviation for lead anyway? You hope that person was fired.)
Extra Smooth Mashed Potatoes
The potatoes you brought are as white as your kitchen backsplash, your teeth, and your bridal party. Your family maintains a group text thread that does not include you, but is all about you. The bit about Vineyard Vines sponsoring you as an influencer started out as a joke but now you sort of believe it. You claim to have terrible misophonia, but only toward the word “ointment.”
Green Bean Casserole (With Cream of Mushroom Soup and French Onions)
You brag that you simply shopped your own pantry for the “beans that everybody loves!” You get legitimately excited when the McRib is back. Your glove compartment is a bounty of napkins and expired coupons. Your nieces and nephews refer to you as their “Aunt Who’s in a Parasocial Relationship With Judge Judy.” When you go home tonight, you will toss the leftovers to the raccoons.
The Sweet Potatoes With the Marshmallow Topping
You have already apologized that the sweet potatoes might be undercooked; you have not even bought the sweet potatoes. The backseat of your car is a thick layer of animal fur, though you do not own a pet. You were wearing cardigans that doubled as duvets before they were cool.
Artisanal Herbed Olive Stuffing With Manchego
Your neighbor’s subscription to Garden & Gun magazine keeps getting delivered to you; you have never given it back. The soonest you get into popular shows is several years after the oldest actor has died. Your assistant keeps asking if you need a bottle of water – why would she think you were okay with single-use plastics?! Your relationship with your teenage child is mostly hostile, though they occasionally share a dog video that you heart.
Stovetop Stuffing
You have romanticized a childhood that no one (who was not a character on Full House) experienced. Your favorite New Kid was Joey McIntyre (that falsetto). Vitamins in gummi form are the best thing that has ever happened to you. You brag about having the inner ear of a child since you can still ride rollercoasters without pain. You are bad with the Benjamins, both the bills and really anyone named Benjamin.
A Too-small Bottle of Prosecco
When you nabbed this bottle, you were the only lingering customer that store employees had to let out after the doors had been locked. This was not the first time this has happened. This week. You once woke up with a tattoo of an eggplant on your shoulder but you don’t remember how it got there. You own seven wine bottle openers, but only plastic cutlery. Abercrombie T-shirts with cheeky messages used to be your whole personality.
Creamed Spinach and Creamed Corn
When you arrived, each piece of CorningWare you brought had a fresh piece of masking tape with your last name, and a potholder underneath. You refuse to believe kids these days actually have all these food allergies. You’ve always wondered whether those mail-order velcro walking shoes are comfortable. You dust your light-switch covers semi-monthly.
Macaroni and Cheese
Someone has to bring macaroni done the right way (with the crunchy top layer, duh) so it might as well be you. You have infinite ideas for coffee-table books that would really sell. You are tired of people asking you if you remember when Drake was “that kid in a wheelchair on Degrassi” or whether you know Drake, or whether you are Drake.
Lasagna
You are an Italian married to a Jew.
The Pumpkin Pie
You’ve had a hard year. You recently called in to Delilah After Dark and you feel like you said too much. Did people recognize your name? Your sordid tale of woe? The fact that you requested LeAnn Rimes “How Do I Live?” Your ability to transport the pie on the back of your motor scooter is still pretty damn impressive, though.
All the Other Pies
You’re pretty much everyone’s favorite.
Bonus: The Assembler of the Perfect Next-Day Turkey Sandwich
You have a boxed DVD set for every season of Friends. Dogs should like you, since you are the original basement bean bag chair, but they leer at you with mistrust. You roll up to Thanksgiving every year sporting the flannel Buffalo plaid pajama pants, announcing, “Got my fat pants on!” and this year was no exception.
