Look, I know that it’s your constitutional right to keep and bear books, but let’s be real, script has taken a dramatic turn since 1776 and its radical evolution is having detrimental effects on our otherwise peaceful and undereducated society. That’s why I’m demanding that we re-evaluate the types of books we’re allowing our citizens to wield and immediately begin regulating all literature currently in circulation.
That’s right, it’s time we think twice about the caliber of books we allow to be brandished freely on our streets, used liberally in our classrooms, and permissively concealed among our nation’s most committed bibliophiles. As we continue to witness this inexplicable rise in the number of victims of these unhinged, unregulated readings, it becomes clear that our centralized (but limited) government has a duty to take decisive action in order to fulfill its founding obligations to further a more perfect union by promoting the general welfare of its citizens.
Our leaders must act now to make sure that the manufacturing, sale, and use of books capable of mass indoctrination ends immediately. However, we must make sure that law-abiding readers maintain their rights to own books, dictionaries, bibles, even pamphlets, but that any writings deemed to be a threat to society don’t make it into the hands of readers who might use them nefariously.
See, everyday in America, there are at least 100 new victims of book violence. And while some would argue that our constitutional rights are nothing to be trifled with, others would suggest that we simply cannot stand by and passively watch as this unchecked book violence wreaks havoc on good, hardworking families.
Our students shouldn’t have to start each week by practicing active book reader drills or remembering to wear their word-proof vests, they should be able to focus on other scholarly activities like determining which students are most likely to go on a bullet point spree and then reporting them to the authorities before they’re able to acquire any illicit reading materials to use against their classmates.
Teachers shouldn’t have to concern themselves with taking literacy and sentence safety courses, instead they should be concentrating on how to properly close and lock doors so that people with high capacity time magazines can’t enter the school in the first place. And yes, it has been suggested that we allow teachers to carry their own handheld books, to defend themselves and the hundreds of others around them, but let’s be honest, things could really escalate quickly if we just start indiscriminately handing out books. And besides, do we really want our children learning how to use books from our teachers? What kind of example would that set for such an impressionable group of individuals?
And speaking of role models, what about our pastors, priests, and other cultural life coaches? The last thing that these dedicated public servants should have to do is concern themselves with the collateral of hazardous books being used in their places of worship. Now, as our most cherished spiritual guides, they themselves should be trusted with books, but they shouldn’t be expected to tolerate the presence or use of books outside of their chosen institution wielded by non-believers. I mean separation of church and state, am I right?
So what I propose is this: instead of banning all dangerous books -which would definitely be very unconstitutional- we simply make a list of the ones we believe are most at risk of causing harm and remove them from circulation by making them totally illegal to possess, brandish, or use in public spaces.
But just to be safe, we should also include schools, universities, libraries, federal buildings, and anywhere an Amazon driver can successfully complete a same-day delivery. Think of how much safer we would feel if bad guys just weren’t able to get their hands on any dangerous books. Now imagine that feeling of security growing stronger, knowing that more and more good guys with books will be there to protect you, in the incredibly unlikely event that a bad guy with a book shows up and attempts to commit a mass reading.
So please, join me in calling on congress to sign into law the immediate regulation of all controversial books, whether in print or picture, in order to protect ourselves and our children from this madness. Let us renew that classically American sense of community and public safety by ensuring that only good books are available to purchase, and that only responsible, freedom-loving individuals are permitted to own and read from them.
