Ancest-Tree DNA FAQs:
Q. Is Ancest-Tree DNA the same company as AncestryDNA?
A. Though we are not technically affiliated with AncestryDNA in any way, we like to think of ourselves as cousin companies. As such, AncestryDNA’s cease and desist order against us may be seen as a minor family squabble.
Q. Why did my DNA report from you name one man as my father and then, after the hurtful scene at Easter dinner and my parents’ subsequent divorce, name a different man as my father?
A. We’re sorry you experienced that bug in our program. We hope you can take comfort in knowing that you’re not alone in that experience—it happened to over a third of our early subscribers. You can rest assured that a single man has definitely been your father all along.
Q. You call yourself “America’s Top DNA company.” Does that mean you’re the largest, most popular, or most trusted company?
A. “America’s Top DNA Company” is a legally permissible statement that references the topographical elevation of our Leadville, Colorado office.
Q. Why does my identical twin brother have a different father named than I do?
A. Your brother is a bastard. While you should rightly congratulate yourself on not being the bastard twin, don’t write your brother off just yet. Many bastards—from William the Conqueror to Alexander Hamilton—have proven themselves to be shrewd leaders.
Q. According to Ancest-Tree’s DNA report, my sister is also my daughter. WTF?
A. We employ a world-class lineup of geneticists and statisticians. They are the biggest geeks imaginable; we doubt a single one had a date to Homecoming. You can trust data from nerds of that caliber.
So how did you give birth to your own daughter? We don’t even want to think about the logistics of that, but we never let our personal revulsion at your lifestyle choices interfere with our job of bringing you the most accurate information from the most technologically advanced methods available.
Q. I retook the test and now it says I’m not related to the woman I know as my mother.
A. We imagine that must be quite a shock to you, but maybe it makes more sense when you look objectively at the life of your father. Was he known as a “loose” man about town? Did he wear hot pants and hang out at the port waiting for the lady-sailors to buy him drinks? Any one of those lady-sailors could be your biological mother. Maybe more than one. To be honest, we never paid much attention in Biology class, which is why we leave that to the science guys whose offices are on the opposite end of the building.
Q. Does Ancest-Tree use autosomal or mitochondrial DNA tests?
A. Your use of those big words suggests that you have some idea of how genetics testing works. Are you interested in coming to work for Ancest-Tree? We offer free employee parking and Taco Tuesdays.
Q. I was ordered to pay child support for three kids of a woman I’ve never met, based solely on your test. Now, my wife left me and my actual kids aren’t speaking to me. What are the credentials of your so-called scientists?
A. We, in the west end of the building, have the utmost confidence in the uber-nerds at the east end. We could go over and talk to them in person about their science stuff, but we don’t want to be seen talking to dweebs.
Clearly, you had a long-term affair with the lady in question and are now suppressing the memories. Maybe you could try memory-recovery hypnosis. Or you could leave the memories suppressed and imagine the affair as you would have liked it to have happened. Oftentimes, one’s imagination can surpass reality.
Q. We work at Ancest-Tree on the opposite end of the building from you, over by the main elevators, and we find it hurtful to be called nerds. I failed out of high school Algebra. My passion is rock climbing and I’ve suffered over a dozen closed head injuries, with more planned for this summer. Caleb, who has the cubicle next to me, sniffs glue. We thought that you, on the west end of the building, were the smart, sciency ones. What gives?
A. No way! We’re glue-sniffers, too! And here we thought you were nerds this whole time. We should hang out.
Q. Totally! A bunch of us are heading to the Golden Burro Lounge after work. You wanna join us?
A. Sounds great! It’s so emotionally exhausting talking to customers all day. It seems like they’re always angry.
