After maneuvering a squeaky cart with two broken wheels through the narrow aisles, you approach the grocery checkout with trepidation. You don’t want a pompous robot to berate you for your bagging technique. But unfortunately, you tend to embarrass yourself and land in a shame-induced coma after interacting with a fellow human being. Well, you’re in luck! Here are ten tips to avoid saying something annoyingly idiotic to the grocery store cashier.
– Become so engrossed in a magazine that you lose all sense of space and time. Did Khloe Kardashian gain three pounds? Will Bennifer tie the knot at a Dunkin Donuts? Has Betty White been reincarnated as Nick Cannon’s tenth child? Grab Enquirer and enter a supernatural realm where you don’t have to overthink whether or not to make small talk with Jill the cashier, who is currently scanning your frozen pizzas (2 for $5).
– Sneeze. Keep sneezing. Don’t stop until you get your receipt.
– Place your items on the conveyor belt slowly, with intention. “My sons are going to love these,” you quietly muse as you set a bag of pretzels on the conveyor. You don’t actually have kids, but who cares? Definitely not Jill, who would much rather hear you mutter to yourself about fictional relatives than let out a cringeworthy “Cold out there today, huh?” like a complete and utter fool.
– Brush off your coat. Who needs a lint roller when you can spend your time in line picking hair and dust particles from your jacket? Do it like the monkeys do, except you are the only monkey. And you are in a grocery store.
– Perform an in-depth candy inspection. Check the expiration dates on the PayDays. Confirm each bag of Skittles contains the same amount of candies. Shake a box of Hot Tamales like you’re a five-year-old who just found a well-wrapped holiday gift in their mom’s closet. Abandon your position and analyze the inventory in a neighboring lane! Weave in and out of the long line as you exit and enter, apologizing to every person you pass.
– Check your phone. Using facial expressions and body language, convey it’s regarding an important business matter, or an ailing relative trying to get in touch. You’re important! The matter is urgent.
– Be the person who forgot to grab something from the freezer section, conveniently located on the other side of the world. The customer who leaves the queue is more tolerable than the customer who responds with a loud and proud “Living the dream!” when asked how they’re doing. Flee the scene and grab some tater tots like your life depends on it— because it does.
– Pretend it’s 2020 and start sanitizing. Thoroughly spray your cart down and wipe off your Doritos bag even though you’re surrounded by mask-less individuals who think the pandemic ended a year ago or never existed in the first place.
– Drop to the floor and retie your shoes in slow motion. When Jill says your total, pop up like a jack-in-the-box ready to insert your chip.
– As your items are scanned, carry your bags out to the car one by one. What’s that? Jill is accusing you of stealing because you’re taking merchandise from the store without paying? What a traitor. Continue with your mission, dodging the concerned manager as you sprint to the car. What? Now they’re calling the cops because you refuse to stop? A police chase will eat up soooo much time! Keep going! You will have less freedom in prison, but at least you won’t provide the wrong phone number— twice— while trying to use your rewards card.
We hope you’re able to put some of these suggestions into action on your next grocery run. If you’re opting for pick-up or delivery, this wasn’t for you! That’s way above our pay grade.