To the Venture Capital Firm Director:
I am delighted to be writing to you in regard to my latest project, tentatively called The Sinless Shall Inherit the Skies. As a marketing director with more than two-and-a-half decades of experience, I’m thrilled to be venturing out on my own and following my dream of becoming a cult leader.
You may be wondering: Why should we take a chance on an aspiring cult leader with no experience in cult management?
This is where I believe my transferable skills will really shine. Over the course of my career in marketing, I have honed the art of communication and persuasion. I’ve also convinced at least seven of my neighbors to sign over their firstborns to me. They call me Father Mortality.
Currently, I’m overseeing a team of twelve individuals. It’s been a joy to see them grow into the savvy marketers they are today. At last week’s performance reviews, we discussed their progress toward achieving their SMART goals, prior to signing blood oaths.
Why now? We’re in the midst of a Great Resignation, and no time is riper to go after your professional dreams.
As a young child, I drank Flavor Aid by the quart – my mother refused to shell out for Kool-Aid – and I felt such an affinity with Jim Jones, and I thought, Hey, I could do that! Unfortunately, Binghamton did not offer a Cult Development major.
Upon my graduation, which coincided with my mother’s sudden disappearance, I felt the best course of action was to apply my marketing knowledge in a more traditional setting, like a tech firm or a magazine publisher. In other words, I stopped pursuing my dream.
No longer will I be held back from my career goals.
I look forward to hearing from you in this regard.
Sincerely,
Hans “Father” Mortality, formerly Robert Smith
P.S. On a separate note, I see on Venmo that you welcomed a baby girl five weeks ago. Congratulations! I’m curious about your plans for her upbringing and whether she has already been promised. If not, let’s put a quick Zoom chat on the books for next week.
