“One of the great things about our democracy is that every citizen can decide to run for public office.” – Oprah Winfrey on Dr. Oz’s Pennsylvania Senate run
1. Test the Waters
If you’ve never run for public office before, think about starting small. Do you have a passion for crunching the numbers? Run for City Treasurer. Are you skilled with data entry? Give County Recorder a shot. No discernable passions or skills? Try City Council. You want to make sure this is something you truly want before you commit all of your time and energy towards it (if narcissist or television personality, skip this step).
2. Define Your “Why”
It is important to look within yourself and ask, “Why am I doing this?” when getting ready for such a monumental choice. If the answer is, “I am a sexual deviant and megalomaniac who gets off to dunking on minorities and the less fortunate,” then you’re in the right place and on track to getting the most out of your experience.
3. Create a Schedule
Once you’ve answered all of the existential questions and are fully committed to the race, you need to keep a normal schedule. A typical healthy schedule for a Republican running for Senate looks like this:
4:00 a.m. – Start your day off on the right foot with some light race-baiting on Fox and Friends.
7:00 a.m. – Morning check-in with Hannity.
8:00 a.m. – Tweet something vague and incendiary about Jews and time travel.
Noon – Lunch, immediately followed by a big-boy nap.
4:00 p.m. – Afternoon check-in with Hannity.
5:00 p.m. – Exchange humor and wit with Gutfeld on The Five. (Does a funnier human exist?)
8:00 p.m. – Laugh maniacally, likely about an orphanage fire in a third-world country or cancer, for an hour straight with Tucker Carlson.
10:00 p.m. – Make a pass at Laura Ingraham.
10:01 p.m. – Set phone alarm reminder to try again tomorrow.
11:00 p.m. – Bedtime story with Hannity.
4. Exercise Your Ego
Ego is paramount when it comes to success in the Grand Old Party and making sure you exercise it is key. The Republican Handbook lays out the following plan:
- Always refer to yourself in the third person, the way God would.
- Use words like “piggy” and “grotesque” to put down female adversaries while boosting your tough-as-nails image.
- Play into conspiracy theories with heavy superlatives, like referring to the September 11th attack on the Pentagon as “the greatest farce in human history.”
5. Hydrate
No joke here. Just a good reminder for anyone who’s made it this far to drink some water.
6. Get Plenty of Sleep
Sleep is crucial to your physical and mental health, but it can be hard to come by after a day of morally reprehensible behavior. So when you find yourself laying in bed, restless with guilt and remorse, think of your conscience as a light switch. Flip it off, and leave it off. There’s no room for a conscience in this arena. Once you figure this out, you’ll be sleeping like a baby again.
7. Follow a Nutrition Plan
Energy is vital when running a race like this, so you need to monitor what you’re putting into your body. That’s why when being lobbied to, be sure to focus on the needs of big pharmaceutical companies that will in turn provide you with all of the miracle stimulants and amphetamines your body requires to function at a high level.
8. Make Friends
Senate races can be lonely. It can help to find a group of like-minded individuals who can relate to what you are going through. Lucky for you, some members of the GOP keep sending social invitations to their colleagues. You’ll have your pick of fun events, such as the following:
Big-dick some leftists by carrying assault rifles into a quilting store and staring directly into everyone’s eyes with Lauren Boebert. *Don’t purchase anything.
Organize Facebook hate campaigns against victims of school shootings with Marjorie Taylor Greene. *Muslim and Jew-swatting exercises optional.
Attend a Scholastic book fair at a local middle school with Matt Gaetz. *Middle school must be located in Florida. No longer able to cross state lines.
9. Get in the Right Headspace
Take some time to get yourself into the right state of mind before any interview or public speaking engagement. Light some candles. Sit down in a comfortable position. Close your eyes and hit play on the latest episode of The Joe Rogan Experience. Let the soothing sounds of toxic masculinity and severe insecurity permeate through your subconscious. In around three hours you’ll be ready to bash any female reporter’s appearance.
10. Enjoy it!
YOLO. You’re rich – have a little fun with it. With the amount of time and money you have to waste, you might as well go to space.
