Thanks to all the data sucked up by your viewing habits, we have identified you as the viewer with the most incomplete record of watching, with a shameful 1,267 unfinished series to your name. We represent the hard-working people from the shows on Hulu, Netflix, Peacock, Amazon, HBOMax, the pluses (Apple TV, Paramount, Disney) and Acorn.
We added up the budgets of programming you wantonly abandoned and it is over $4 billion wasted. Over 17 million work hours were spent by writers who busted their asses to weave cliffhangers leading to the next episode and complete storylines of fringe characters who may have been the killer. Who do you think wrote in that guy you thought might have slaughtered the family but turned out to be just a weirdo who likes to make his own hatchets and has a crazy wall of newspaper clippings?
Who do you think you are?
As payback for your lack of appreciation, we gathered our best showrunners to craft a narrative of how your already pathetic life will wind up.
You will meet someone in the aisle of a bookstore and really hit it off. You’ll date a few times, share your love of reading and slowly edge into a more serious relationship with intimate conversations in bed exposing your vulnerabilities. You talk about moving in, look at apartments, sign a lease and then… nothing happens. They won’t ghost you. You won’t be able to find them. You don’t even remember why you were dating them and instead you take a new job in a new city as a copywriter.
You’re a little uncomfortable with making new friends and pressures at the job but soon go out for drinks with your colleagues. You befriend an odd tech support guy. You suspect he’s into some kind of computer fraud. You think you’re being used as a ruse for his computer hacking but you never find out because you are aggressively recruited to take another job in Finland.
In Finland, you marry a gorgeous, wealthy woman who winds up murdered. You’re a suspect in the murder and vilified by the town. You’re not even sure if you did kill her and you need to escape this madness.
This will lead you to study with a monk in Taiwan and learn martial arts at a feverish pace. You have battles with rivals that continue to best you. You will have one rival you simply cannot beat. You know at some point you’ll overcome this rival. At the same time, you’ve been reading a lot of westerns and feel the urge to become a sheriff.
As sheriff in a west Colorado town, a pseudo-religious cult has settled in and grown rapidly. You must balance the hatred this town has for the charismatic cult leader. The cult appears to be building up a cache of weapons and amassing vast funds of cash. You want to investigate further but by now, the cult has gotten the attention of the FBI and the ATF. Sidelined by the authorities, with little to do, you throw yourself into baking scones.
You become a master baker specializing in a unique sunchoke sourdough scone. No one thought they wanted sunchoke sourdough scones until they tasted yours and you become a world leader in scone-making. They make a documentary about you. You become the judge in a televised contest called The Sconian. You sell scone-making kits and supplies direct-to-consumers and your brand “Esconia” becomes so big Pillsbury buys you out for a billion dollars.
With your newfound wealth, you develop eccentric tastes and start to collect snakes – exotic, poisonous snakes. You start a snake farm and grow the world’s largest python. Some animal rights activists grow concerned about your treatment of the snakes and other animals. The python requires an entire Hereford pig every week.
But your fame from scone-making calls attention back to your murdered wife from Finland. Some amateur online detectives start to look into your work history and your connection to a hacker responsible for ransomware attacks around the world. A ten-part true crime documentary comes out, which includes stories of a woman you dated long ago who claims you signed a lease for an apartment and never paid your half of the security deposit.
You could be extradited to Finland and tried for the murder of your wife, but your lawyer strikes a plea deal. Ultimately, your infamy is so wicked, prison is the safest place for you to live out your days.
In prison, you lead martial arts classes, teach scone-baking and watch hours and hours of streaming TV, completing every episode and every season of every show. You watch constantly and you really, really like every single show.
You die quietly, in prison, with the remote in your hand, your finger on the pause button.
