Sources close to the White House are disclosing exciting news: a pizza party for all United States citizens is being planned to help ease the pain of the insurgence of the coronavirus Omicron variant.
The government reportedly wants to boost morale and show appreciation for those who have been getting their vaccinations and wearing masks in public, and wanted to be creative in doing so. Stimulus checks? Nah, those are old news and no longer on trend. Hey peasants, meet non-sterile bootstraps! Forced mandates to shut down or diminish capacity in certain stores and nonessential activities? Girl, this is the land of the free and no one wants to be told what to do!
Letting people die is the price to pray for FREEDOM – hey coronavirus, the Second Amendment called and wants its tagline back!
Tapping into the expertise of former corporate expert Donald Trump and also school administrations nationwide, President Joe Biden himself was particularly enamored by the idea. Changing the conditions that lead employees to feel underappreciated and vaguely stranded on Gilligan’s Island is a cool idea on paper, but it requires those in charge to actually care about the day-to-day lives of its workers enough to outweigh the cost of slightly inconveniencing themselves.
A White House aide can confirm that Joe Biden relayed “he’s not God, honey!” when pressed on the issue of aggressive executive action to provide relief for Americans and stop the spread of the new variant.
Additionally, an anonymous source close to Democrats in Congress says they’ve just “fucking given up on getting Republicans, Joe Manchin and Kyrsten Sinema to agree on anything substantial” and instead of working harder to fight it out for the good of the American people, they’ve decided they need a vacation instead – after calling Domino’s Pizza of course!
So Americans, don’t expect science-backed measures from the government or help covering your rent; your chances of getting Omicron-flavored COVID is real fucking high. But you can console yourself in the fact that your government allotted you two (2) cheesy slices of pizza, with crust so garlicky it will confirm if you still have your sense of taste or not.
Enjoy that sweet, sweet tomato sauce before you’re too ill to even think about ingesting any sustenance, because it’s all you’re going to get, and if you complain about it, press secretary Jen Psaki is going to roll her eyes at the sentiment in one of her press conferences.
When asked for her opinion on the pizza party relief plan, Vice President and Sinking Ship Girlboss Kamala Harris simply threw a peace sign in the air.
