Scene 1:
It’s snowing outside, in a fake-foamy-movie-way that clings to your shoes unnaturally. We are inside Macy’s department store; there’s a very long customer service line.
—
Debbie is wearing a blue sweater that matches her eyes and a black skirt that flatters her butt. She is waiting in line holding a gift box and glancing at her watch.
Ben is in line behind her. He is wearing dad jeans that do nothing for his butt and a gray button-down shirt. He is also holding a large gift box and tapping his foot impatiently.
Debbie lets out an audible sigh and abruptly turns to leave the line. Ben steps out at the same moment and they collide. The packages fall to the floor and everyone turns and stares.
“I’m so sorry!” she says.
“Oh, sorry!” he says at the same time.
They chuckle self-consciously as they scramble to pick up the boxes. Their eyes meet.
“I’m Debbie,” Debbie says, holding eye contact like it’s a stare contest.
“I’m Ben,” Ben replies, not blinking so he can win.
They both blush and look down.
“I’ve been in this stupid line for over an hour trying to return a perfectly good Hanukkah gift I got my mother!” Debbie says, shaking her head in frustration.
Ben stares at her dumbfoundedly.
“I am also returning a Hanukkah gift for my mother!” he exclaims.
Debbie’s eyes widen in surprise and empathy.
“Jewish mothers,” they say in unison and laugh.
“So, what did you get her?” Ben asks.
“A fancy coffee maker that she’s been dropping hints about for months, apparently to everyone, as my sister bought her the same one,” Debbie says. “I drew the losing straw to return it, as according to my mother, and I quote: ‘I’m not married, so what else have I got to do with my time?'”
“Huh,” Ben says sympathetically. “I am returning a fancy coffee grinder that my mom has been talking about nonstop. Turns out she already bought it for herself because according to her, I never listen, and if only she had a daughter-in-law, she wouldn’t have to buy her own gifts. Now, she wants a new coffee maker since her old one is not up to par with the new grinder.”
“I have a crazy idea, Ben!” Debbie says, pausing for effect.
“What is it, Debbie?” Ben asks cluelessly.
“Why don’t we swap gifts amongst ourselves and avoid this line altogether? With Christmas shopping madness in full swing, the lines get longer each day. I’d like to get this sorted out before Hanukkah is over!”
“That’s a great idea, Debbie!” he says beaming at her.
They swap the gift boxes.
“Oh, and the gift receipt is there just in case. You know – Jewish mothers.” Ben says with a shrug.
Debbie nods and hands her receipt to Ben.
“Pleasure doing business with you,” she says putting out her hand. “Happy Hanukkah, Ben!”
“Happy Hanukkah, Debbie!” Ben says as he shakes her hand.
They walk off in opposite directions even though there’s only one store exit.
—
Scene 2:
We are back in the Macy’s department store. The line is even longer than last time; it snakes around multiple aisles.
—
Debbie is wearing jeans that hug her butt and a red sweater that matches the rage she’s feeling. She’s clutching Ben’s old gift box and mumbling to herself.
Ben enters the store looking disheveled. He is also holding Debbie’s old gift box. His eyes light up when he spots Debbie and he walks over to her. The guy behind Debbie, who looks remarkably like Santa but without the suit or the beard, reprimands him promptly.
“No cutting! Have some Christmas spirit!” Santa yells out in an English accent.
“I’m just saying hi to a friend,” Ben says, “And I am more of a Hanukkah spirit kinda guy anyway.”
Debbie turns around at the commotion. Ben attempts to wink at her but fails.
“What brings you back here?” Debbie asks surprised, ignoring his weird face contortion.
“I could ask you the same thing!” he replies.
“You first,” says Debbie.
“Well, somehow between Monday and Wednesday, my mother decided to give up coffee altogether. She heard on NPR that it’s bad for you,” Ben explains, then shrugs. “Maybe it’ll make her more relaxed and she’ll lay off me a bit about marrying a nice Jewish girl.”
Debbie looks at him skeptically.
“What’s your story?” Ben asks.
“Well, I gave the coffee grinder to my mother after we finished eating latkes last night. She said that she did not want any gifts from me except for grandchildren, and I should return the grinder and use the money to sign up for JDate,” Debbie explains crestfallen.
“My mother signed me up for JDate without asking and then emailed me locations and times for the dates she set up,” Ben says.
“Jewish mothers,” they say in unison again and chuckle.
“Hey, I have a great idea, Ben!” Debbie says.
“What is it, Debbie?” Ben asks.
“Since we have this fancy coffee grinder and a matching coffee maker, we should give them a proper home! And give our mothers the ultimate Hanukkah gift. What do you say, Ben?”
“I love it!” Ben exclaims. “We can leave this awful line and go get married instead!”
Ben and Debbie high-five each other awkwardly. The fake Santa clears his throat behind them. They giggle and step out of the line clutching their boxes.
“Happy Hanukkah, future husband!”
“Happy Hanukkah, future wife!”
THE END