The good news is Clifford’s heartworm test came back negative. The bad news is a bit more complicated, as he tested positive for demon blood.
Ever since you started bringing your dog here, me and the other vets couldn’t wrap our brains around why he was so big, and so red. Your explanation that the runt of his litter grew to over twenty-five feet because your daughter, Emily, showered him with so much affection raised more than a few eyebrows.
But after a full examination, I regret to inform you that his unusual size and color cannot be attributed to all the petting and love he receives, but rather his addiction to the blood of demonic entities.
I know this might come as a shock to you, as it asks more questions than it provides answers. For instance, if Clifford is addicted to the blood of dark forces, who’s his supplier?
I’m not here to point fingers at anyone. I’m a vet, not a psychotherapist.
I’m also not here to tell you how to raise your kids. But if I were you, I would have a serious sit-down with your daughter. Her claim of hug-induced dog growth never really passed the smell test. Even if it did, that would only explain Clifford’s abnormal size, not his bright red fur. You didn’t go to online veterinary school like I did, so trust me when I say that’s not a normal color for a pooch. A Corvette, yes.
I want to assure you that we arrived at this diagnosis only after careful deliberations, though it came a bit unexpectedly. One of our clients, a local priest by the name of Father O’Hallahan, happened to be here dropping off his Shits-a-ma-poo, Trinity, for her annual shots.
Anyone who knows the Father knows two things about him; his Thanksgiving sermons are legendary, and he has a sixth sense when it comes to demonic blood possession.
As soon as Father O’Hallahan spotted Clifford in our clinic (which wasn’t difficult as his head had smashed through the ceiling of the waiting room again), he knew he was in the presence of something sinister. Luckily, the Father never goes too far without his paranormal testing kit. Lotions, potions, and a variety of demon blood were all given to Clifford. And he passed with flying colors!
And by passed, I mean he gobbled up all of the devil’s syrup, before his eyes turned a horrifying fluorescent green, and his head started spinning as if trying to summon the King of Hell himself.
In terms of treatment, you have two options.
You can try switching him to raw food, and feed him high-quality, locally sourced, organic meat and vegetables. Perhaps having a more holistic diet can keep his demons (and canine dermatitis) at bay.
Or you can sign off and allow the Father to perform an exorcism on your big red doggo. Though this will be very intense and spiritually draining, it’s definitely the cheaper option.
