As President Joe Joe Beans (that’s his name, right?) continues to roll out vaccines all over the great plains of America, a lot of changes are being put in place. One of these is that mask mandates are being lifted basically everywhere (were they ever really a thing in some places? I’m told not), though some businesses still choose to enforce masks inside for the safety of customers.
Many Americans are thrilled to toss out their mask collections for good, but quite a few of us female-identifying folks feel differently. Let’s go through the top reasons to keep masks around:
Masks create a layer of invisibility in a way no baseball cap or pair of sunglasses ever could
Your old boss? Your high school nemesis? Your building super who smells like a ripe can of tuna? Whoever it is that makes you want to hide when you see them on the street, masks provide an instant invisibility cloak. Mask + hair in the face + looking away = perfect hiding spot. Once everyone starts going sans mask, a woman struggling to pull up a mask on the sidewalk might actually draw the attention of a passerby. There’s no better way to catch the eye of your old, nasty boss who will not rest until your pit stains get dangerously dark from the anxiety of the interaction as she hints that you look chubbier. Clear your schedule, because these remarks will surely hang over your head for the rest of the day and disable you from getting anything done that isn’t writing in your journal while Olivia Rodrigo wails in the background.
Masks keep the lower half of our faces warm and damn, aren’t we always so cold?
This feels like a design flaw in the creation of women. We have been scientifically proven to be better multitaskers due to the way our brains are set up to retain more information (I didn’t need an article to tell me that I can juggle more activities than my male counterparts but still get paid less), can create life inside our own bodies and run a marathon in stilettos but the always-cold thing has room for improvement. Masks as a face shield for warmth is really important for us ladies on a breezy day, and we aren’t in a hurry to lose this extra layer of clothing.
Masks cover up any unsavory lower-face blemishes
And yes, I realize that often the cause of those pimples and blackheads might be the masks (essentially a resting, permanent gas chamber for uncouth breath and vaporized sweat) themselves, but continuing to wear a mask after accumulating some acne is a great way to hide that from the society that so eagerly demands your beauty at all times. Ah, the pimple circle of life.
Masks provide an opportunity to showcase your cheekbones
Meryl Streep much??? This one might sound like a stretch, but with the right mask (think the kind with the seam vertically down the center, not the horizontal pleated ones), you can really show off a slim face with dope-ass cheekbones. If you’re a woman without prominent cheekbones, I can see why you wouldn’t care about this, but as a member of the cheekbone-elite, we aren’t ready to let this one go.
Masks protect us women who feel constantly pressured to smile at every man, woman and child who makes eye contact with us
I think I speak for most women when I say this is so fucking exhausting. I’m not sure why so many of us abide by this unwritten societal legislation that says we need to smile at every glance thrown our way (regardless of our actual emotional state at the time or the creepiness of the person looking at us in the first place), but masks have given us ladies so much relief in this department. Damn is it refreshing to hold a blank, neutral face as we go about our grocery shopping or getting around town. I’m also told that not smiling every few minutes might actually prevent wrinkles, thus saving us money on the Botox we’re also expected to get once we turn forty. Hello, savings. I have no problem with masks sticking around a bit longer to pad my future bank account.
Masks provide a layer of physical and metaphysical distance between you and the sixteen-year-old male cashier with cystic acne ringing you up for a box of super tampons and a bag of Twizzlers at 11 p.m. on a Tuesday
I feel like this warrants no further explanation. COVID may have devastated the nation, but fate threw us girls a bone here.
