Listen up good, yous guys. I just had a sit down with The Boss and he wants me to go over a few things with you real quick now that the dust has settled after us rigging the election and whatnot.
Grandpa Joe wants us to pivot the crews around so we can explore new business opportunities and legitimize this family business of ours, capiche? I got a few ideas on how to do that and keep a low profile about it, so here’s how it breaks down:
You capos who handled all the ballot shredding, flipping votes, and voting with dead people’s names and so on – I’m moving you to border patrol. The Boss wants you to open the gates and let everyone in, no questions asked. We need to make these future citizens an offer they can’t refuse: free vaccines, access to affordable housing, and modern healthcare. Real legitimate like, right? That’ll win ‘em over to our side.
The shylocks that were funneling money into Hunter’s Ukraine dealings – you’re now in charge of stimulus payouts. Every American adult gets a monthly cash drop of $2,000, no strings attached. Ain’t nobody gonna complain about free dough, eh? Unbridled charity will really help to convince the public we’re legit. We’ll earn their trust with our supposed good deeds and dedication to a set of values and all that kinda stuff.
See, we gotta get in on this humanitarianism action before the other families try to muscle their way in. The Bushes and Clintons are pushovers, but who knows with that wily Carter, you know what I’m sayin’? He’s a slippery one. Don’t nobody talk about his lackluster presidency now that he’s gone legit with that building houses for poor people angle he cooked up. Forget about it. We have to corner the market on altruistic behavior and do what we can to keep The Boss on the throne.
The Boss also wants a big piece of this green energy pie, so you enforcers gotta shake down all those uppity eggheads who’ve been telling us what’s what on the science level for some time now. You gotta get to these climatologists and make ‘em fast-track the scientific what-have-you that can reverse the destruction of the Earth’s atmosphere and so forth. I don’t care what they were doing in their fancy labs before now; you just go in there and offer ‘em protection – you know, the old “Nice place, wouldn’t want to see anything happen to it” routine. That’ll set ‘em straight. Funneling our cash into doing something nice for the planet really makes it look like we actually care about the people who inhabit Earth, am I right? That’s the way a legitimate business operates in our modern times.
Next up, all you soldiers who were tossing out poll watchers and building fake polling sites to confuse and distract GOP voters – you’re on infrastructure now. The Boss wants you all to consult his associates in the construction business about pumping our money into upgrading bridges, roads, and ports, but in particular, he wants trains runnin’ everywhere, criss-crossing the U.S. of A like the switchblade cuts in Benny the Mook’s face after he tried to turn state’s evidence in 2013. Nah, I’m kiddin’. I don’t know nothin’ ‘bout the particular circumstances of the unfortunate accident that may or may not have befallen that poor man. Anyone seen Benny lately? Heh heh heh. Anyhow – trains. Bigger, faster, the futuristic ones what work on magnets or whatever – The Boss wants it all, and he wants it legit.
Everybody, hear me on this: from now on, our way will be the business way. No exceptions. And we will rule longer than the Roman Empire. You got all that? Easy as ABC, especially now with The Boss’s plans for tuition-free colleges and student loan forgiveness.
Bada Biden, bada boom! Let’s get this thing done.
