“My Heart Will Go On” by Celine Dion
Near, far, wherever you are (or aren’t)
I believe that the heart does go on (except not yours, Jackson)
Once more, you open the door (for that slut Jenny from Accounting)
And you’re here in my heart (and there in her pants)
And my heart will go on and on (to rant about it to my therapist for the third time this week)
“No Tears Left to Cry” by Ariana Grande
Ain’t got no tears in my body
I ran out, but boy, I hate it, I hate it, I hate it (like I hate you Jackson)
Don’t matter how, what, where, who tries it
We out here stalkin’, we stalkin’, we stalkin’ (your new girlfriend Jenny on the internet, guzzling fluids to create more tears)
“Cool” by The Jonas Brothers
Lately, I’ve been feelin’ so backstabbed (backstabbed)
Top to the bottom, just backstabbed (backstabbed)
Every little thing that I do (do)
Dammit, I feel so backstabbed
It’s like, ooh (ooh)
Maybe I should bottle my tears (tears)
Sell ’em for a dollar or two (two)
Dammit, I’m feelin’ so backstabbed (backstabbed)
“Never Gonna Give You Up” by Rick Astley
Never gonna give you up
Never gonna let you down
Never gonna run around and desert you (but I guess you never made such a promise)
Never gonna sleep with that slut Jenny from Accounting
Never gonna say goodbye
Never gonna tell a lie and hurt you (except all the times I lied about your narcotics problem to your parents)
“It’s Raining Men” by The Weather Girls
It’s raining tears! Hallelujah!
It’s raining tears! Amen!
I’m gonna go out to run and let myself get
Absolutely soaking wet with my own tears of anguish!
It’s raining tears! Hallelujah!
It’s raining tears! Every specimen!
Soft, loud, painful and sloppy
Rough and tough and strong and mean
“Believe” by Cher
Do you believe in life after love? (I no longer do)
I can feel something inside me say
I really don’t think you should’ve left me for her
Do you believe in life after love? (I most certainly don’t)
I can feel something inside me say
I really don’t think you’re strong enough now to withstand whatever revenge plot I enact
“Billie Jean” by Michael Jackson
Jenny from Accounting is not my lover (but she’s yours)
She’s just a girl who claims that you guys shared a special moment in the kitchen once
But the affair is not my fault
She says I am dramatic, but the affair is not my fault
“Uptown Girl” by Billy Joel
Accounting girl
She’s been living in her Accounting world
I bet she’s never had someone else’s guy
I bet her momma never told her why
Jackson tried for an Accounting girl
She’s been living in her tax-bred world
As long as anyone with the stink of betrayal can
And now she’s looking for someone else’s man
That’s what he was
“Fly Me to the Moon” by Frank Sinatra
Fly me to the therapist
Let me play among the antidepressants
Let me see what spring is like on
Prozac and Zoloft
In other words, ruin my life
In other words, baby, kill me
“Love Story” by Taylor Swift
We were both single when I first saw you (but were you Jackson? I’m questioning everything now)
I close my eyes and the flashback starts
I’m standin’ there
On a fire escape in summer air
See the lights, see the white claws, the jean shorts
See you make your way through the crowd
And say, “Sup girl”
Little did I know (you’d gut me and leave me for dead)
